Phallic Friday - toxic masculinity

I've been having thoughts about Toxic Masculinity and I wanted to get them out of my head and ramble about them here.

Our patriarchal society has long bred this extreme form of masculinity by minimising/belittling the feminine. As the power of the feminine is rising, there is going to be some who wish to quash this as they still see feminine qualities/traits as secondary, lesser, less than them.

I think this is some of the force behind the changes in the world as I'm seeing it today.

COVID-19 has made the world stop. It's taken away a lot of structures that held the global economy (power) in place. It's highlighting aspects of society that aren't working. We are being forced to think about people (caring), health (nurturing), supporting those in need. These are all quite feminine traits (in the strict sense of the dual/polar society we live in). In the past, these traits have seen less pay for those in nursing and care professions. As a result of COVID, will we now begin to value these professions, and make changes to pay structures accordingly? It'll be fascinating to see.

The USA is another hotbed of issues. Minority groups are finding their voice. A man who I think exhibits many of the toxic masculine traits is refusing to accept loss, after years of having a place of power...where some believe he abused that office. It's an interesting power play to watch from afar - even though global repercussions may occur, and in that way I'm not so distant. To me, this situation embodies the global power play where masculine and feminine energies are reaching a new area of balance.

In the 1990s, I worked with a Canadian who was here to do her PhD or post-doc research. I remember her saying that in Canada, the power imbalance between men and women was not as obvious as she saw it here in Australia. I was shocked by that, I thought we weren't too bad. Then she said that it was far worse in the USA, which was one of the reason she'd come here. I didn't really understand what she was saying, never having spent any time in the USA and not having been to Canada, but 30 years later, I wonder if others have seen what she saw so long ago, and are trying to change that imbalance, not just in gender inequality.

I watched an interview (https://www.leeharrisenergy.com/podcast#section-1605132491191) recently with a woman (https://suzymiller.com/) working with autistic children. The data she gave about autism blew my mind. She said in the (I think) the 1980s, autism affected 1 in 10 000 children. Today, those figures are 1 in 54.

1 in 54? How did that change so drastically?

She said that generally, autistic children are more perceptive and intuitive (both traditionally feminine traits) and yet many are male children. She thinks that these children are here to help change the world. And I have to agree with her. If there are THAT many children who aren't 'fitting in' to societies' structures, then society structures will have to shift and change.

If these children are exhibiting more of the shunned feminine traits, then the masculine-feminine imbalance in society will need to shift to accommodate these drastic changes in the population. 

I may not see this in my lifetime, but I hope I do. I think it'll happen quickly. These kids will need the world changed as they grow up and try to find a place in the world (within the next 20 years)... and there's a virus that's affecting the whole world and making us change how we work. How coincidental :)

I think this outrage we're seeing from so much of the toxic masculine energy, may be it's death throes. Although, it's persisted for a long long time. I hate saying it, but I think there may be more of a fight before the feminine can be balanced better. And yes, putting this in text, "out there" makes me a target, I know. I don't want to be a target. I don't want to poke my head up to be seen. But I also want to speak my truth, say what I see, have a little light shining from me. So these words are here.

I love this world. I love all the incredible, fascinating things about nature, the earth, people, animals, birds, insects, etc etc. I love the feel of the sunshine, the rain and the wind, of energy changing, of shifts and adjustments. I love the intellectual challenge of working out how and why. This is my little space to share myself. I love having it...even as it challenges me!

Sunday Story - Mary Magdalene Revealed

I've had this book, Mary Magdalene Revealed by Meggan Watterson, sitting on my e-reader for quite some time. It can take ages for me to get through my To Be Read pile of physical and e-books! I'm so glad this book popped onto the "open and Read" portion of my brain.

This book feels like the missing link, for me, between religion and woo-woo, alternate spiritual practices. Let me try to explain.

Meggan Watterson's book explains how she interprets the Gospel Of Mary, one of the gnostic gospels that was discovered in the late nineteenth century, buried in Egypt. (You can find more info here).

I haven't read the Gospel itself, but I will need to.

According to Meggan Watterson's book, there were other teachings that Jesus Christ of Nazareth gave to his followers that are not included in the New Testament. The First Council of Nicea, held in 325CE, was a meeting of bishops who tried to find consensus for this fast-developing Christian religion. Many gospels were omitted from the Bible, and ordered destroyed but some monks who no doubt were as book-loving as me, could not destroy them, so buried them.

Why some were chosen and others weren't is subject to conjecture, as the reasons were not recorded (or have not been made known if they were). Looking at the Church now, the Catholic Church particularly, power may have been a major driver and so slanting the stories to give maximum control of the people to those 'in charge' was probably a reason.

Watterson is a theological scholar, with an interest in the Divine Feminine. So much of what she had searched for in the traditional Christian teachings, is what I've questioned throughout my life. My questions have been along these lines:

• Why are women excluded from so much of the Church, when Jesus preached compassion (e.g. feeding masses with loaves and fishes) and equality (e.g. not casting stones)? 
• Why is St Paul revered when he's so blatantly anti-women in so many of his letters, which always felt against the Jesus I thought I knew from the Gospels? 
• Why was Peter the revered apostle, and first Pope, when he disowned Jesus three times?

I'm starting to get these answers reading this book. Answers to questions I've asked for 40 years LOL! I remember sitting with Fr T in his study, discussing Bible passages, and my incessant questioning had him chewing on the end of his pipe, sucking in deep breaths, and pausing as he framed an answer. I was in high school when he introduced me to his brother, also a priest but one who'd studied a lot of theology, and we had further discussions. This is years after I begged to be an altar boy, and scored becoming a reader instead (because girls were not allowed to serve on the altar - that has changed now!).

This book explains that Mary's descriptions of Jesus's teachings were about developing a deeper understanding about what love is, what self is, and that the world is a place to go deep into your heart and live in a way that tries to unite your humanity and your soul (or the spiritual).

And this then is the perfect link to paganism, so many Eastern religious teachings, the so-called New Age movement.

Religion is not a power game, a patriarchal system focussed on removing sin through suffering, punishment and penance.

It's truly about searching your inner being for flaws and trying to do better tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

It's about loving yourself, and loving everyone else. It's about seeing yourself as made from divine, therefore also divine, and trying to live to achieve that.

Religion has always felt like a power struggle for me, with so little focus on self and love - even though they were (for me anyway) the key messages of Jesus. This Gospel of Mary takes the power out of religion, and puts it back on self and love.

And truly, that feels like the real meaning of life.

Can I become the best person I can be? Can I love myself and others, fully?

Have you read this book?

Saturday Soapbox - philosophies and world views

I listened today. I listened and puzzled and tried to understand. It's something that pisses me off about the world - and strangely enough, it's one of my faults! Funny how that's so often reflected. But anyway... I listened to Dad while he gave me his world view.

As I've become more annoyed with the world in general, I've come to see his world view (he's in his 70s, white male, conservative) as the 'bloody patriarchy' and 'conservative right' and old blokes who don't want their power structure to change.

For some reason, today I decided to listen and try to understand where he's coming from. There seems to be too many of his vintage with his view...and my Dad isn't a sexist, power hungry pig like I often see others.

Dad was a young man in the 1960s. His father was a staunch Labor man, working class, inner city fellow. This connection is important to understanding where my old man is coming from. Add to this, my Dad's work was sometimes privvy to things the average person on the street doesn't know and I don;t know much about that, but I often wonder how much he really knows! LOL

In the 1950s and 1960s, the Cold War was huge. In Australia, according to my grandfather, the "Red Terror" was spreading  and the fear of Russian spies infiltrating all of Australia's major areas of influence was causing concern to many/some/I'm not really sure. It's difficult to get a handle on this because it was all secret whispers. All subterfuge and secret reports and well, secret spy nature. Not that I'm making light of it by saying that, that's the reality (as far as I know it).

My grandfather was an active member of his local Labor party, and then something happened with the Communists that pushed the Labor party into right (conservative) and left (Communist sympathisers and Communists) factions. At least, that's my memory of the stories I've been told. My grandfather hated the left, and was firmly entrenched in the right...of the Labor party.

By the end of my grandfather's life, in the Hawke-Keating era, my grandfather was horrified by what he knew as the Labor party and was almost in tears as he said he wouldn't ever blame me if I ended up voting against his wishes. (He thought everyone in the whole wide extended family, including girlfriends/boyfriends of family members, followed his political views and voted the way he told us all we had to.)

My father comes from this background, grew up in this era, began work while this 'Red Terror' was gripping Australia (or my grandfather). What I see as Dad's conservative right wing politics, is his reaction to the huge influence of the Communist Left. He believes that the Communists are taking over, that the breakdown of society (e.g. attacks on religion, family, and government) are the Communist ways of causing anarchy so they can then take over the world.

He's as passionate about this beliefs as his father was about his.

I'm in this middle ground, where the Cold War was largely over when I became an adult and my understanding of Communist infiltration comes from spy novels. I don't have any memory of it being a feature in society.

When I look at society, I see Capitalism and Communism having many intersecting and overlapping modes of operation. Neither are the type of society in which I want to live.

I remember doing a survey once and my political learnings/views are of a party that is not yet formed but pulls out bits from many other parties LOL!!!! Which really doesn't surprise me at all.

I think we need to care about each other, and treat people respectfully. I don't like boxes and names and one-size-fits-all, I like individuality to be taken into account (and yes, I realise this is often impractical, but if we cared for people, it would be much easier!). I think we need to listen to those who are learned and educated in their fields (e.g. scientists, economists, doctors, etc) and make decisions based on facts. Again, I know that's not as easy as it sounds as people have differing views even within specialty study, but again, if we cared about each other and left egos and agendas at the door, I think we could discuss more rationally and come to better decisions about the way forward.

As to whether or not we're still fighting against Communism, I have absolutely no bloody idea. How would we know when so much of that happens behind closed doors and the general public are never told of security fears or indoctrination issues.

There are some world leaders and countries whose dominance is being asserted, and they are Communist countries. But again, there are other countries who have far right leanings who are also dominant. I don't know if that's proof that the fight exists, or are there other dogmas/ideologies at play?

Sometimes my head hurts trying to work out the simplest of questions, that seems to have many many more layers than I ever dreamed possible.

And then I go to a spiritual teaching where the message is to fix yourself, as that has a flow on effect through the world. And that doesn't make my head hurt. I can work on myself - that's a difficult enough process without trying to factor in how ever many billion people are in the world.

So, I'm looking at fixing myself. Making myself the best person I can be. And if that means I'm ignoring the world as it all falls to pieces, I'm sorry. I can't cope with anything more than me.

Does your head hurt with politics?

Sunday Story - binging on non-fiction

So I'm still on a non-fiction binge. I'm devouring the most incredible books. I guess they're all "new age" or something like that if you need a definition/category.

Many years ago, I started writing this story after an idea popped into my head. I called the story Past Lives, and I've blahhed about it on here before. I went to a workshop and the story got hammered by the presenter. I shoved it away. But those things I shove away never quite stay hidden. This story has bugged me for years. And I went down a 'research' worm hole learning more fascinating things than I imagined possible. Do you ever do that?

I know I've blogged about a few of these books in recent months, and I want to keep a bit of a track of what I've read. So here are a few more:


The Empath's Survival Guide by Dr Judith Orloff.
This book was perfect for me. It has questions to determine if you're an Empath or not. I was a bit skeptical about the book and the questions. I seemed to be answering yes to everything, which was insane because the results section gave quite low scores. For example, there might be 15 questions. It said, if you answered yes to 0-3, you have some empath traits, 4-8 you're a medium empath, 9 or more, you're a strong empath (or something like that). When I was getting 14 or 15 yes responses, 9 seemed rather low. So I asked Mr E a bunch of questions. Strangely, he didn't get 15 yes responses! And I realised it was possible that I may be a little different to everyone else. Let me tell you, it was a bit of a shock to read things that I thought were what everyone did/hear/felt, but to learn that isn't so. I'm not sure how I'll go now, knowing I'm in a defined box - it sort of makes me itchy!

Messages from the Masters by Brian Weiss
A friend loaned me this one next. It's about past lives, and how some people have deeply embedded memories of previous lives, or the state in between physical lives. It was completely and utterly fascinating. I went to look up how to study hypnosis while I was reading it! - I felt an urge to let everyone benefit from this practice. I won't be doing it though, unless I win lotto.

I've been hypnotised before. A few years back. It was a mind-blowing experience. I went in skeptical, and expecting not to go under. I went under so quickly it shocked me, and then I went deeper and deeper, and I knew I was, and I wasn't worried at all. I remembered things from my childhood with such clarity. It was a very healing process in more ways than I expected it to ever be.

As I've read this book, I have more and more thoughts about my Past Lives story. And I have weird prickling sensations about what I wrote in this story. Many of the dreams I wrote for my character are actual dreams and thoughts I had. Initially I thought I was just engrossed in the writing and my characters were taking over - but what if that's not it? What if I'm writing stories of my past lives? I'm a bit spun out by that thought...however, I want to explore that story more now!

And while I've been off in the New Age reading, I've hit the pagan section too. I've been playing with Runes and Tarot, crystals and meditation, and thought I should find out more. I read a blog post by Danielle Dulsky and I went an immediately ordered her book. It was a powerful post and the words sang to me.

Woman Most Wild by Danielle Dulsky is incredible. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. I guess it's her call to other women, asking them to know themselves. It's sort of a bit of a pagan/witch explanation book (sorry, I don't know how you explain that any better), but it's more than that. It's a personal memoir in a way, but so much more. It's written as if she's speaking to the reader. Calling you to action. Asking if you notice or know the things she does.

I followed her on Instagram, as you do, and she has a brand new book which arrived last week but I haven't yet opened - The Holy Wild.

Am I a witch? Well, in my Past Lives writing, I wrote stories of being killed for my beliefs (or the character's beliefs). I wrote stories of being a herbal healer. And I tend towards that type of medicine now for myself - and I'm fussy about who I see and how they treat me. I feel strongly about nature, believing in Mother Nature instead of the more patriarchal 'God'. I work best outdoors. I feel the change of seasons. I believe in karma/fate. I've never cast a spell, but I have had wishes come true. I've never been to a pagan gathering, but I've sat around many campfires and felt such peace. I don't practice the Wiccan religion, but does religion make you a witch? I hate boxes, so I don't know the answer to the question.

I'm not sure where this reading is taking me...but I have so much fodder for stories. I have my Past Lives story to rework, and I know some of the things I was criticised for including in that story are not 'wrong'. And that terrifies me (how did I know?) and excites me (how did I know that?) :)

What have you been reading? Do you ever go on reading binges?

Saturday Search - Tarot

L to R: a traditional Tarot card, The Angel deck, Mary-El deck

About 2 years ago, a friend gave me a deck of Angel cards while I housesat for her. I used them while I had days alone communing with myself and nature. I didn't understand them, but there was a sort of peacefulness in dealing cards, reading the little book, and working out if they meant something. I became somewhat addicted to this peaceful practice.

In the past Tarot had been a voodoo 'thing' that I'd steered well clear of. It was associated with fortune telling and all 'bad' things.

These cards were different to anything I'd seen before (e.g. the 'traditional' Rider-Waite deck on the left in the photo above) or been told. They were channelling images of Angels and unicorns and faery folk (pictured centre in image) and there was no fortune telling at all. Instead they were delving into me, poking at my thoughts about me, the world, life.

So began a practice that I'm still addicted to!

Top row: Mary-El Tarot cards. Bottom: Tarot of the Crone

I then found a writer with a Tarot business (Weaver Tarot) and gave my friend a reading for her birthday. She raved and raved about the reading. As I thought I should have one, I was gifted one in a website promo. Aside from spending a lot of time talking about writing, Cat did a reading for me and used these Tarot cards that yelled at me from across the country (on the right in the top image). The symbolism in the cards were nothing like the Tarot cards I'd seen in the past, nothing like the Angel cards, and were something I could understand just by looking at them. On a gut-level, they spoke to me.

The Tarot of Femmes Erotiques - celebrating women

So I bought a deck of my own. The Mary-El Tarot deck.

And this weird thing has become even more addictive. I have another deck now that talks to me too (Tarot of the Crone), and not only that, it works with the first deck (middle picture).

Then I found a deck celebrating women, and I bought that too (last picture).

And I know I sound like a loopy person, and I know it's all weird and insane, but each morning I dig a little deeper in understanding myself as I flip a daily card from each deck and ponder how these cards relate to me, my life, my writing journey.

Have you ever used Tarot cards? Do you have a favourite deck, or symbol, or card?

Saturday Search - Oracle cards

I had never heard of Oracle cards until last year. There seems to be a heap of different types but I think the basic idea is that it's a simple deck of cards which uses symbolism and/or a word to stimulate thought. These can be used for whatever purpose you require - answering a question, helping to work out yourself or your thoughts, for clairvoyance, etc.

They seem to be a quick way to encourage thoughts and/or discussion.

I own three packs, each are very different. One is a Celtic Tree pack and it has some depth to it, linking in Runes, tree meanings, seasonal links, and personal meanings. It's a bit too deep for my daily use because I found I wanted something basic so I could think for myself after a prompt.

So, I was then pointed towards two decks and I couldn't decide between them. I followed both creators of FB and I still couldn't decide. Then one had a sale, so my decision was made, but then the other one kept attracting my attention and when she had a sale I had no resistance! 

One I use for my daily thoughts and the other for my dreams :) 

The Soul Trees cards are basic and beautiful. They have a coloured tree and a single word. I adore them.

The Messenger Oracle has artwork filled with symbols, rich with colour, and usually a phrase. They give my subconscious homework while I sleep, sometimes I dream with the dragons or mystical characters from the cards (I don't write fantasy but I do love it!)

This past month I've been participating in a challenge on Instagram where I create my own oracle deck using prompts set by Over the Moon
Academy. A friend encouraged me, then another participant told me I needed to share my cards regardless of my skill. It's been the strangest experience. I draw terribly, like a child, and yet it's been a positive experience, even with putting my 'art' out in public. 

Looking at a word and then expressing it as a simple image has loosened up my creativity - kind of like word association game. Then trying to express that in a drawing has been a challenge. I don't see pictures in my head. So if I think of a frog, I know things about frogs and I know the basic shape, but I can't envisage a frog in my mind's eye, I can't get small details, and so I draw some rudimentary thing to skim over details. It's not much better if I look at a picture and try to draw it because I really need to trace to get it right, I have no clue how to work with perspective! I know mine looks like shit but I've no clue how to un-shit it, if that makes sense.

But it's been quite a rewarding experience and I've seen some incredible artwork and my mind's been opened by looking at other people's interpretation of a simple word. Sometimes people's interpretation of my art has me rather shocked in a good way.

Have you ever used Oracle cards? If so, do you have a favourite deck?

Saturday Search - Astrology

Astrology was one of the first 'alternate' things I was familiar with, I think. I've always known my star sign even if I was in trouble for reading about it! I think the widespread awareness of astrology comes because astrology has always been in mainstream newspapers.

When I was a kid, Dad brought the newspaper home after work. If the stars were for that day, it was mostly over by the time I saw them, so there was no future prediction, which made them innocuous reads - I wasn't having my future foretold.

As I got older, I read more about my sign mostly because I exhibit so many of the traits of my sign. It gave me a sense of being understood. It explained away some of my oddness (compared with others - I was the only one in my immediate family of this sign).

As I got older and mixed with more people and found more people interested in astrology, the signs themselves were only the start of astrology. There were rising signs, full natal charts. It was like a science trying to understand what it all meant, what's more, it was so aligned with astronomy it shocked me.

I love the stars. I love looking up at the constellations, watching for shooting stars, looking at their movement across the sky. I have a tiny understanding of astrology, but there's this whole incredible depth to it that I haven't gone into - and since I think it might take forever to learn it, I might leave that to the experts :)

I do like reading a daily interpretation of what the stars and planets are doing and what that might mean for the energy we feel - that's kind of cool!

I read about astronomy and check out the ISS, and solar flares, comets, moons, galaxies, etc.

The universe is the most incredible space. No wonder we use it to try to understand our place.

How are you with astrology?

Saturday Search - Runes

I fell into Runes in my 20s and I’m not entirely sure how. I hadn’t wanted to look at Tarot or anything clairvoyant, but deep down I knew Runes would be safe - I’ve no idea how I knew that. Or maybe it just came because I had heard ‘bad’ things about other devices and I’d heard nothing of Runes. I don’t know, and ultimately it doesn’t matter. But down that rabbit hole I went!

A few books, some searching, lots of reading, and I needed a set of Runes. But none felt right. So I went and made my own. I lived in a flat without a garden as such, but I’d made a little one along my part of the back fence, and through the fence grew a privet. Armed with a little saw, I chopped off the branches that poked into my yard, then cut up the branch into rounds for my Runes.

My raw, crudely made Runes

I let these dry in the sunshine for a bit. And then I wrote my Runic letters on my tree branch. I always intended to burn the marks on but I never have. I use the same Runes today, without changing a mark! And yes, I know Privet's not a plant I should have used, and I know it's better if they're stone - but these are mine, and that's the most important thing to me.

Although the Runic alphabet bears little resemblance to our alphabet, I felt I had a connection to these letters and I learned what they meant from a book, or ten! In the beginning, I had no understanding of intuition being linked with what I was doing. I thought it was something I had to learn, study, and then pass my daily test as I read my spread. 

I used the Runes mostly when I couldn’t decide something or couldn’t work something out. I’d sit quietly and think of my problem, then pull three (usually) Runes and work on what they meant and how that may relate to the issue I faced.

I refused to use them to ‘tell’ the future. I wouldn’t use them to read for others - in fact, I doubt anyone knew I read them. 

I made a raw silk bag with a leather drawstring in which to keep them. I kept them as natural and basic as I could. I kept the readings focussed on understanding myself and my issues.

You could say they were a tool in helping me decide my life. As a kid I’d often flipped a coin to know what I wanted (and if it fell the wrong way and I had to do best of 3 or best of 5, then I knew what I truly wanted!), and I guess this was the next progression. Something that dug a bit deeper into my psyche.

Have you ever used Runes? How do you use them?

Here's a website with more information if you're curious - https://norse-mythology.org/runes/the-origins-of-the-runes/ 

Saturday Search - Feminism

My interest in feminism came about because of the many things I wanted to do and was told I couldn't - because I was a girl. This appalled me. What kind of an answer was this? I went in search of better answers, but no one had any better answers. This was how society was...and it sucked.

I didn't want to do anything too drastic. I didn't want to have to wear a dress all the time (at all, really, but I was willing to compromise!). I wanted to be an altar boy. I wanted to play football (rugby league). I wanted to ride my bike to the mangroves. I wanted to wear shorts to school, or trousers. I wanted to play cricket.

I didn't want to do these things because I was a feminist or a rebel. I was involved in the Church, and at 7, you could be an altar boy. I was holding out for this, and when I turned 7 I didn't even have a clue that the word "boy" was going to exclude me. It never occurred to me that I couldn't do it.

I played netball, I started at 7. This was cool, but my favourite game was rugby league and I wanted to play that. Okay, so no girls could play footy, how about cricket? No. Right. I set up cricket at school in the lunch break and girls were allowed to play. I could control that because my house was next to the school and I could pop the gear over the fence so we could play - the school had no sports gear. I don't think many girls played, I can't really remember, but it didn't matter because I could!

Riding my bike was because my friends did it and I wanted to go with them. I hadn't quite twigged that they were boys and there was a difference in what we were allowed to do.

And school clothes, well, dresses let the cold air up your legs in winter and I wanted to be warm. Stockings were no answer for me as I'm allergic to nylon. I just had to be cold. And shorts are so much better in summer because boys can't flick your skirt/dress up and laugh at your knickers.

I thought these were reasonable things. I still do.

As I got older, the word 'feminist' was bandied around. The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer had caused a stir. At some stage, I read this and I can't say I was all that enamoured by the book or Ms Greer. I didn't want to rant and rave. I didn't want to burn my bra. I didn't want to make a fuss. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do.

In high school, things started to change for women, and I got to play some sports in female competitions - soccer, hockey, cricket, basketball. There were still places I couldn't go, things I couldn't wear, things I couldn't do, but as I got older these choices were able to be twisted a little more. I could sometimes get around the rules. I often had to fight, but if it was worth it, I did.

I'm lucky that during the course of my life, I've found people who do accept me as equal - or as myself! I worked with men who encouraged me to go get my truck license, go put up the fence, go ride the quad bike, go inject the sheep, go modify the seeder. I got in and helped. I learned. I got my hands (and everything else) dirty. There were some who started off by saying things like, "Well, if you earn the same pay as me, you'd better be able to do the same work," and "That's fair," was my usual response as I worked my arse off to prove myself.

I don't call myself a feminist. I just go and do what I want to do, wear what I want to wear, play what I want to play. If someone stops me, I might fight for my rights if it's important to me. I just want to be able to do my things, happily, without being categorised. If that's being a feminist, then put that label on. I'd prefer a world without labels.

Saturday Search - Reliigion

This is the start of my new series if posts on Searching for Something. I'm not sure what it is, sort of a search for myself, and the meaning of life, or my life at least! I think it might be a -0 age milestone. A change in hormones. Who knows. I just have been doing some exploring and finding amazing things that I'd like to share, and write about some of my experiences.

They're not going to be mainstream for the most part. And my views are probably not those of the majority. However I will try to be honest, and give a reasoned discussion as much as I can.

Topic 1 is Religion.

I was raised in a conservative religious household, in quite a strict Catholic manner. I had no bad experiences in Church as a kid. We had fantastic priests who challenged me to a lot of deep thinking when I questioned them. I did bible study classes, played music at Mass, read the Readings, all those things that you do when you're highly involved in something. Before I left home, I was on the liturgy committee, taught Sunday school, played music, and was still highly involved.

My parents were also highly involved, and Mum had a real devotion to her religion and God. At about the age I am now, she began going on annual retreats and learning more about her spirituality. She did a daily scripture reading and wrote about it. I guess it was like a meditation, or a placing her life and her worries into a spiritual context.

Religious discussions were not uncommon in our household. I asked a lot of questions. The priests we knew were quite incredible theologians and so if they came to dinner, discussions were many, varied, and not to be missed. We had all orders of priests and nuns that were family friends and were often part of meals, or family events. And it wasn't confined to Catholicism. I studied comparative religions in Yrs 11 and 12, so discussions could range across any and every topic imaginable especially when I asked questions. Sometimes these discussions went long into the night, leaving poor mum nodding off at the table trying to be a great hostess, while Dad and I and whoever was visiting were wide awake and into the discussions.

When I left home, I was given a blessing during Mass in our Parish and presented with a Parish Candle. It was a really touching moment to be recognised in my community. A community I'd been an active member of for my entire life.

I moved to a country town, and I know the religious people in Sydney were despairing of where I went because the Bishop was quite strict, behind-the-times, and was in the middle of a huge dispute with the local nuns. They all probably knew were things that I'd struggle with, before i knew it myself. I was lucky in that I found the one 'cool' priest in the area and I loved attending the little church. I bought half a fan for that church when they asked parishioners to help cool the place. People gave what they could, so an older gentleman and I went halves in a fan. It was a great little community and I felt quite at home.

And then the priest got moved. He hadn't toed the Bishop's line and was banished (I think they termed it, 'moved on'). Soon after that, I walked out of church in the middle of the sermon. I'd had an absolute gutful of the hateful rhetoric that the priest was spewing out, so I up and left. I'd never done that in my life and it scared me. I kept waiting for lightning to strike me dead. It didn't.

I'd been brought up in a conservative, religious environment, but what I'd failed to notice was that as a bedrock, there was compassion and love. In this area, those were not the bedrock.

Fire and brimstone was the bedrock in the new area. Pre-marital sex, being homosexual or promiscuous, not obeying the Bishop's rule, these were all a feature of the heinous things done by people...and the reason I walked out of the church.

I never really returned. I came to see that people made the church and the community. One person in authority could ruin the entire place. One non-understanding, closed-minded man could kill community, make people turn towards hate, and ruin what had once been a loving family environment.

I didn't want to be a part of something where I had no voice and no control. I didn't want to support horridness, and closed-minded people. I know I have turned my back on many lovely people, but it's what I needed to do. I don't believe that large communities should be under the rule of one man in complete control. It got on my goat, terribly.

Religion, as with other things, can breed fanatics. I struggle with fanatics. I like moderates, people who allow everyone to be - or at least allow others to express their opinions openly and be heard. I like discussions, not rules. I abhor dictators.

Religion gave me a fabulous grounding in life. I've learned a lot from many discussions. I have respect for the many and varied religions of the world. They just aren't for me. I'm a lone wolf in my approach to (or quest for) spirituality.

Interestingly, on my Pinterest account, I've only ever received one rude and nasty comment from a stranger, and that was about something I pinned saying religion had started many wars. So if you'd like to leave a comment on my posts, please feel free to do so, but if there are any rude or nasty comments, they will be deleted. Thank you.

Last Year, This Year

Last year was a battle. I had a virus that knocked me around for months. Rest and fluids wasn't enough. Specialists questioning my sanity were not appreciated. I lost faith in the system, or what faith I had left anyway. I've been battling the system all my life, and towards the end of last year, I stopped fighting. I'm taking a walk away from the system - not just the health system, but the norms of society too.You probably realise I've been heading towards this for some years given my posts against society's views on sexuality and sex.

2018 is the year I'm going to express the inner me, and let you join in the journey I've taken where I've been looking at alterrnative things. The weird but wonderful.

I'll try to share more of me - strange things I think, investigate, bring to myself, and dabble in. I'll try to post something each week and get into that habit again. I like expressing myself on my blog, and missed it last year.

This is the new me with my lairy pants, complete with dragonflies, and my gemstones for balance and energy. I'll try not to scare everyone too much, so mostly I'll be lairy at home, but I did wear these down the street today and the world didn't end! I've always toned down to muted colours, jeans, and black trousers, but I love bright clashing things. I love colours with energy. So I'm going to try to have a few bright things I wear without worrying about what people think of the mad woman :)

I'm not entirely sure where my musings will take me, but I'm hoping to look at things like:

• Religion
• Feminism
• Trees
• Energy
• Meditation
• Colour
• Tarot
• Runes
• Oracle cards
• Gemstones
• Druidism
• Astrology
• Photography
• Art
• Nature
• Past lives
• Akashic records
• Paganism
• Synchronicity
• Meditation
• Mindfulness
• Wicca
• Lucid dreaming
• Hecate, the Crone, and the three fates
• Acupuncture
• Chinese medicine
• Reiki
• Energy and chakras

Do you have anything you do that's a little alternate? Anything I should add to my list?