Huge big sigh

Now my posts are being put behind 'sensitivity' warnings. So far only 1 post... and it's one of the tamer ones about women (women-on-women sex). 

I don't understand the world any more... although, I wonder if I ever did?

So much is messing with my head. 

The age old sex is terrible, we must hide and shame it; yet violence is on the nightly news uncensored.

Women are being murdered by their exes; but men need to be helped to see their kids, mend their relationships. Family court overrules standing AVOs/DVOs.

Victims are being revictimised by the court system over and over again.

Why would anyone put their head up and complain about something that needs to be better in society... when they're piled on, abused, shamed, annihilated.

I picked up a book because this quote was on the cover - Why are we made to fear the witches, and not the men who burned them?

Why is society the way it is?

What can I do to change it?

I think I've been quietly trying to change the world around me for fifty years... and change is so slow that mostly it seems like it's not happening.

I'm disheartened, frustrated, annoyed, but trying so hard to see the good, the joy, the changes, the people doing so much for others. I do need to focus on the good.

There are so many advocates for women who have been hurt, abused and victimised. People who are being voices when others can't speak. These people are angels.

There are those being outspoken and opposing shame and stigma around sex and sexual choices. More angels.

There is acknowledgement of gender fluidity, people allowed to marry whoever they love, rights being restored to many who had few, voices being allowed to be spoken and heard.

There is change happening.

I need to remain positive that life will be better for those to come.

Censorship & Writing Struggles

For longer than I've been Cate Ellink, I've struggled with the abundance of shame, horror, and shock piled on me because I want to write about sex. I am Cate Ellink because of this; my family's reaction to me using my real name was extreme, and not something I expected. And in 13 years, it hasn't lessened.

Today I typed in my website address. There's the adult warning (as usual) and I click that. But now I get something where I must sign in and my sign in must have a credit card linked to it so that they know I'm over 18.

My heart breaks. Again.

Who will ever find my website?

I can't post links to my blog posts on social media because it shows a broken webpage image and no one looks at those (and you'd now have to log in, etc etc).

I can't advertise my book covers using social media ads because there are naked chests.

The use of the word 'virginity' in the title caused so much trouble with advertising that it never happened (it couldn't happen).

I pay the same amount of money to host this site as I do my other one. One is freely open to all, and this is shoved in the shadows in the corner and hidden.

And fuck... I haven't killed anyone. There's no aggressive violence or hate views expressed. No, those would be fucking okay.

I talk about sex. A freaking natural act that somehow causes extreme reactions - more so than death, violence, or hate speech.

My writing has been down the gurgler ... and it's no wonder. Why would you write when you're so shunned for what you write about?

The fight to normalise nature is fucking exhausting.

Why can't we ban the bloody awful things human beings to do each other - like war, violence, rape, hate, abuse? Why is nature so shunned?

If my website goes...does it matter? Probably not to anyone but me. It's a record for me, of my journey along this path. I've so many incredible memories of sharing discussions, thoughts, discoveries, and nature. 

I'm sad today. So sad.

Phallic Friday - sex, shame, and rape

In Australia, the news this past week has been filled with the story of a young woman working in Parliament House being raped 2 years ago, and the lack of support she received which ultimately led to her losing the career she'd been working towards.

To add to the horror, 3 more women have accused the same man of raping them, also in Parliament House, before this publicised rape occurred. 

A systemic problem is highlighted and reinforced three times over. In our highest place of work--the Parliament. What kind of example does that set for Australian society?

A comment was made by someone on TV about the shame associated with rape. Mr E says, "Surely in this day and age, a women shouldn't feel ashamed of being raped?"

And yes, I get where he's coming from (that rape has less stigma attached to it than 30 years ago when we were young) BUT he waved a red flag at this bull. Poor man. I don't think he ever realises how deeply I think about everything.

"Of course there's still shame associated with rape. There's still shame associated with sex."

"How?" he asks.

And off I go! Actually, I was rather restrained because I had to bite my tongue a little and not spill all the bitterness and anger I've been working my way through over the last decade.

I mentioned sex workers and their treatment during covid. When he wasn't convinced, I brought the example to the personal.

"Look at Cate Ellink," I said. "People still don't want to know she exists. They still don't acknowledge her books, won't talk to her on social media. Why? Because she writes sex. Sex is shameful. That message may be lessening but it's still reinforced in society all the time. And women still get called 'slutty' for clothes they wear. Women still hear that they 'incite men to sex' and other crap. Shame underlies everything about sex. Until we can speak openly about sex, rape will always happen because of the shame associated with the abuse of power and the unwanted sex act itself that women have been conditioned to believe they incited." Maybe I was more mad rambling than that. I'm not good at remembering verbatim!

Rape is an horrific act of violence perpetrated by, in this case, a man in a position of power on a young and vulnerable woman. 

Rape can happen in any circumstance, by any combination of gender. It's about power. Abhorrent disregard for another person. It's abuse--physical and emotional. 

The conversation, however, became personal. It highlighted how much hurt I still carry about something far less invasive than rape. I have worked through a lot of it, but there are still pangs there. My issues are insignificant compared with those of a rape victim. Yet, I hurt.

When I wrote my first erotic work, in my 20s, no one in my 'real' life ever saw it. I shared it with a few trusted people online, who had encouraged me to speak freely about sex. If I hadn't fallen into the community of online people who accepted sex as a normal part of life, and encouraged me to explore it, I don't know if I would have ever changed my narrow views of sex that my conservative upbringing had given me.

It took me 20 years to develop enough courage to allow my erotic writing a public viewing.

It's taken me another 10 years to be at a point where the hurt and anger at people's reactions to my public viewing has lessened enough that I can speak calmly and rationally and not bottle it up in a bitter stew brewing inside me.

Society moves slowly at times--sometimes even more slowly than me! That's because society is made up of individuals, and a large number of people need to work through a change in mindset (or agree with a viewpoint) before the ball rolls on change. 

People can't change their mindset without knowing that there are other ways to think.

And to know there are other ways to think, those who think differently need to be publicly vocal. They need to stand tall and proud and give voice to what they know as their truth.

That is terrifying. For me anyway.

To stand in a shitstorm of public opinion, and cop whatever crazy abuse people sling at you, takes a huge amount of courage. I always admire people who can do that.

The young woman who publicly spoke of her rape, and all the people who speak of their assaults, are so incredibly brave, powerful, courageous and thoroughly deserving of my gratitude and admiration, even if that seems paltry and insignificant.

A saying keeps nagging at me - if I won't speak out, who will?

And so I'm making a small blog post here. I spoke a few sentences to Mr E. I stand by my Cate Ellink name and books, proudly (but quietly). It's not enough, but I'm not yet brave enough to do more.

I am a work in progress.

Phallic Friday - fantasies and writing

I dropped off the earth for a while - or so it seems anyway.

Sorry to leave the blog unattended. How have you been? How are you coping with lockdown/COVID/life in a pandemic?

I've realised something that I've always known, but somehow it was never important before. I have a lot of friends overseas. I've always kept in touch with them in random sporadic times, but lately, it's been a WhatsApp chat every few weeks, a Facebook message weekly, some way of getting in touch to make sure they're okay (we're okay; because they're checking on me too). It's odd to go from once a year contact, to much more frequent. Most of these friends I've been friends with for many many years. In some cases nearly 30 years. It's weird to think that we've always kept in touch, for 30 years, and sometimes our paths crossed only briefly. But these people are important, even if they live across many oceans! Do you have connections like that too?

Oops! I didn't come here to muse about friendships. I was coming to speak of fantasies. I've been thinking a lot about them recently. I've been writing a strange story where many people are fucking one person. And as I write each scene, I'm completely surprised by what comes out of my fingers/brain. I have a character name, maybe a bit of a story for them from an introduction chapter I started with, but it's bare bones. So then I put them in a room alone with the sexual receiver...and I see where it goes.

Mostly I let things flow because once my brain comes in and starts censoring, then all writing stops. I have 3 or 4 scenes written now, and my brain is having a bit of a melt down. The things I've written, it's wondering where they've come from. Do I really have such fantasies?

Consciously, I didn't think so...but subconsciously, I must have entertained the idea at some stage to write it.

How do I feel about that?

Well, there's two of me here to answer that!

One of me says: Holy shit. You freak. How the hell can you come up with that shit? You don't want people to know that you know/think about this stuff. Remember when you shocked XYZ with that other scene? Remember when so-and-so said this about you. Stop! Stop! Stop for god's sake.

The other part of me goes: Well, fuck, that's a bit tame. Why didn't you take it further? And how come you stopped there? And does she really only want one partner, couldn't;t we do a few more in here, and if not people then sex toys? You've gotta make this juicy. Get some more stuff in here. Now.

And that's my fantasy life to a tee. One part of me is slamming the brakes on hard, while the other part is trying to jam down that accelerator and get going as crazy as possible.

And that there is why my brain struggles to write. This to and fro inside my head is always happening. It drives me crazy!

One day, if you're shocked by anything I write, remember this post and know that there's a part of me who is also so shocked they want to crawl away and hide!

Phallic Friday - Erotic After Dark Workshop

Erotic After Dark is a workshop, hosted by the South Coast Writers Centre and Wollongong Library that's beginning next week, find out more here. If you'd like to book, the link is here.

This is a series of four gatherings to work on and discuss erotic writing. Too often this sort of writing is shunned and not talked about, but I don't think it's so bad. Erotic writing has always occurred. It's not something new.

Many times 'erotic' has been a catch-cry to shock or garner attention, but in my mind erotic writing is something that fills the mind, touches the senses, and engages.

What is erotic writing?

To me, it's writing that is primarily centred around sex. So much so, that if you remove the sex from the story, there is no story.

It doesn't have a specific genre or literary component to fit. It can stand alone.

It can also slip in with any genre, e.g. erotic thriller, erotic horror, erotic romance, erotic suspense, erotic crime. But whatever genre it works in, sex is still the focus of the story. If the sex was removed, the story still does not exist.

Let me illustrate with an example. After the huge success of Fifty Shades of Grey, quite a few books came out claiming to be erotic (in many genres), or claiming to be the next thing to read if you liked Fifty Shades. Most claims were false, in my mind. I bought an erotic thriller. It wasn't. It was a thriller, suspenseful, dark, crime novel, certainly, and it had sex in it for sure. But the sex was added to the story - loads of sex, sometimes only a couple of sentences to indicate that there had been sex. This isn't erotic by my definition. I could have taken all that sex out and there was still a story - less provocative but still there. The sex didn't add to the character development, it just happened. It wasn't described to engage the reader, it was there as words to show it had sex, as a marketing ploy. Sometimes I had to re-read sections to see why/if she'd had sex, but then I still wasn't clear as to the motivation or reason. It was just an event, like smoking a cigarette or walking down the street.

If you look back in time at erotic writing, it's been used for many purposes, but whatever the purpose, the central theme was sex.

The writings of Sappho, who lived between 620 and 570 BCE, are some of the early erotic poetry still read today. It's poetry of love and lust, to delight the senses. The Song of Songs in the Old Testament of The Bible is again a love story of a couple coming together in marriage and then being apart before coming together again. The Kama Sutra is probably one of the most well-known pieces of erotic writing. Vatsyayana is thought to have lived somewhere between the 1st and 6th century CE. It's many lessons on how to live and love.

The Carnal Prayer Mat bu Li Yu was written in the 1650s in China and is an erotic comedy which also gives social commentary. In 1748, John Cleland's erotic novel, Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Fanny Hill, was first published. A story of a young woman's debauchery after being orphaned. The work of the Marquis de Sade came later, after the 1760s and were dark erotic stories also with social commentary (although there is some dispute about this). Most had themes of sexual awakening /education /debauchery.

Erotic writing changes through time, as all literature does, but the central theme of sex does not change. It's the hallmark of the term.

Sex is a fascinating way of looking at humanity and making comments on society. If you're interested at all, come along and join in the discussion.

Phallic Friday - sex ed

I'm in the last week of my OWL for RWA (ie an online writing workshop for Romance Writers of Australia) on Getting Comfortable Writing Sex. I can't begin to tell you how exciting it's been...and when I put it into words, I sound kind of nutty, but let me try.

18 people signed up for it. I thought it might be just me, so that was a relief.

Not many of them have been interactive, but 2 people have been really chatty. We've discussed published sex scenes - about 10 - and looked at what's worked and doesn't work for them.

We had a discussion about word choices, which was really interesting. There are so many words that people find objectional/offensive/uncomfortable. And everyone's different with their tolerance levels too. Such a great discussion.

Both people who've been active, have had lightbulb moments (what a thrill for me). Both have written a sex scene and shared it. Both have stretched where they thought their comfort zone was. One has taken the feedback and written more sex scenes that have so much more in them, that it's fantastic to see that development. The other has gone back to look at spicing up their whole manuscript because they enjoyed writing their first sex scene. Can you believe that?

Never in my wildest dreams did I hope that my course could have that impact - okay, maybe in the wildest dreams, but not the realistic ones! And I'm thrilled. We haven't done anything except read and discuss published sex scenes. But these writers have been open-minded, willing to discuss and push their boundaries, and I'm so grateful for their enthusiasm and openness.

I've taken a bit of a leap of faith, and I'm running a similar course with a face-to-face group with writers in general (not romance writers). The leap of faith is that I've only asked for a guarantee of petrol money, no payment for a 4-6 week course. Funding was applied for, and apparently this course was quite a volatile proposal that caused much debate. Should public money be used to fund sex? In the end, the answer was no.

Even if it's not funding sex, apparently writing sex scenes is still the same as funding sex.

I'm a little sad about that.

But it's not unexpected. There's an article on the ABC News website today, written by a 20-year-old, about the lack of sex education/discussion in society (you can read it here). And I just finished watching a TV series on SBS called The Hunting, (you can watch it here), where the theme was sexting and lack of discussion/education around this topic (also the law, patriarchy, racism, and other riling topics were touched upon, and sometimes not resolved much to my annoyance). SBS has also put out an education package to help with people who want to help discuss the sexting issues with kids/teens/others (you can find that here).

I hope things might change in the future, and that sex may not be such a taboo topic that we shun it or shy away from thinking about it or presenting/discussing available information.

And I hope one day that I might be able to receive funding and payment for a writing course, even if it discusses writing sex scenes!

Did you watch The Hunting? 

Fearless Friday

Where has the last month gone? I have no clue at all. The days just fly by.

I have a few things for this post...no wonder, if it's been a month!

NEW BOOK
I have A Real Online Fantasy Parts 1 & 2 online now! Yipee! For a short time, it's even free. So if you'd like to download it, please do.

You can grab it from your favourite store by clicking here:

books2read.com/u/4DOaLr

BLOG POST 

My other self wrote a story for an anthology with Kim Petersen and Beth Prentice. Kim has a blog where she's honest about herself and her life. She asked me to write a post for her site and so, I went with honesty. It's easier to be honest as Cate. So I'm a bit scared about this one, but anyway :) I'm owning it!

https://whisperinginkpress.com/2019/05/16/becoming-whole/

INTERESTING ARTICLE

Teenagers and sex.

This article is saying something I've read before - that teenagers are highly influenced by porn. And not just highly influenced about sex... but confused about consent. 

Porn, a scripted film, does not show discussion, consent, or even 'realistic sex' but do kids know that? It appears that they don't. 

For so long, sex has been such a taboo topic, that people don't discuss it at all. This leads to people finding out about sex my whatever means they can. How did you discover sex? For me, it was via animals and nature. There was a conversation about sex after a sex ed video shown at school, but my questions were a little too confronting and I was sent to my room without answers. And really, asking if a man's penis is different to a dog's is not such a shock, is it?

So, if kids these days are getting information about sex from the internet - which is a pretty handy tool for information gathering - and no one is speaking about sex, then how do they know if what they find is 'real' or 'misinformation'? 

I'm so glad there are people going to schools to discuss sex honestly with kids. I wonder if they'd take an erotic author on the school chat tour? That's something I'd love to do.

Thanks for reading today. I'll try to get back to more regular blogging!

Phallic Friday - sex and illness

I saw this post last Saturday on the ABC website - http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-09-22/impact-of-cancer-on-sex-not-talked-about-enough/10286392 - about cancer, sex and intimacy.

It interested me initially because it was about some doctors not discussing impacts of illness/treatment on sexuality. This is a really important factor, not just with cancer, but with any illness.

If you're struggling with your health, you're struggling with your body. You may also be struggling with energy levels. And/or you may battling other symptoms or problems.

At times when you're in crisis, sex isn't something that may interest you. Sometimes you need to be relaxed, and in tune with yourself to be able to participate fully in sex.

What astounds me is that some people/doctors don't see it as a point that should be discussed before decisions are made. Maybe the woman in question was 'unlucky' and had a doctor who couldn't discuss sex with her...the article doesn't give us any statistics.

What the article does show is a gender bias - but is that real or just the portrayal in the article? Or is it not gender bias per se, but a functional thing? Or is it a long-standing gender bias where most medical research has previously been focussed on male bodies and not female bodies, particularly in genital areas? Does a doctor realise that function of a penis may be compromised when certain areas are affected, but does not think about a similar impact in women because of the 'hidden' nature of female genitalia?

The article poses a lot of interesting questions. I wonder if there's much research done on the topic.

Does anyone know?

Phallic Friday - mega bucks vibrator

OMG! I saw this last weekend on the news.com.au website and I had to share it. You can find the article here.

It's a $1.8 million (AUD) vibrator!

An Aussie jeweller, Colin Burn, has made the Pearl Royale vibrator. It's taken him 15 years. It looks like a silver bullet vibrator, but it's adorned with gemstones and the end (where the battery goes - if it has something as mundane as a battery!) is designed like a crown! @Fornicari on Instagram has an image.

Oh, no batteries ... and no scratching from the gems. They've thought of everything! Here's a snippet from the article:

"The vibe, Mr Burn says, is “weighty” — weighing about a pound — and runs on two hand-engineered motors. Its platinum body is covered with 2,000 diamonds, some royal-blue sapphires and “very rare” pink diamonds, all provided by Russian diamond merchants who are backing the product. (Don’t worry, you can’t get cut on the gems. “They’re flush-set,” Mr Burn says.) The lucky user twists a platinum key to get it started."

He says he created it because he wanted to "...create something that shows the value people place on sex". I'm not quite sure how to take that comment.

So, when I win lotto, I might add this to the wish list :)

Sunday Story - Mateship WIth Birds

It was my choice of book for Book Club this month, and after telling them about my award last month, imagine my horror when the book is about sex!

I chose Mateship With Birds by Carrie Tiffany because it has won the Stella Award a few years back (2013), was shortlisted for the Miles Franklin Award, and had been on my TO READ list for quite some time. But over the years, I'd forgotten what it was about. I just saw it on the list and ticked it as one of my selections, which is what we do in our book club.

I've been struggling to read lately, months actually. It reminds me of the period after Mum died when I also struggled to read. A very good friend died towards the end of last year and my father-in-law recently, so I'm thinking it's a similar reaction. Plus I spent so long last year sick, maybe there's a reaction to that too. I can't explain in - but it's a bother to me because not only does it stop me reading, it's affecting my interpretation of those books I have to read.

Anyway, back to this book.

It's set in the 1950s, in Australia on a dairy farm and has a lot of focus on birds and nature. All things I should be loving. And yet I struggled to read this. At times, I devoured chunks, and then got brought to a halt. There were confronting parts to this story, that was in other ways quite gentle. And maybe that's the point of the story. Life isn't all roses. It's made up of horror, shock, crudeness, revulsion, lack of knowledge, floundering, beauty, sweetness, gentleness, kindness, cruelty...and in the mundane every day tasks we often do unthinkingly, there are elements of these too.

A proportion of the novel is about sex. It's bluntly written, with a distinct uncomfortableness, which reflects the character, Harry. Sex is written in a style which seemed quite well portrayed for Harry who is a dairy farmer who I guess is in his 40s or so. He's a naturalist, a farmer, but was uneducated in the ways of romance and human sexual relations prior to his marriage when he was 33. It had disastrous consequences for him (ending in divorce), so he takes the opportunity to share his knowledge with his young neighbour, Michael, who is just becoming interested in girls.

There are some cleverly written sections, but this one had me bursting into laughter.

"The internal skin of the female organ is pitted with oil-producing glands that release on arousal. In my experience a slight dampening is the usual state of play, but this particular afternoon Edna was irrigated full-bore." (page 120)


Later in the same section (a letter to Michael), when explaining female lubrication, Harry writes:

"Is it water? No. It's thicker than water, but thinner than oil. And it doesn't wash away with soap. Sticks to the skin so the smell (muddy) can be carried for days - especially on the pads of the fingertips and under the nails."

The characters in the story were difficult for me to like, however I felt they well depicted country people and I imagine how things were in the 1950s. I thought Carrie Tiffany did a good job with drawing parallels between humans and animals, and showing some of the horrible traits that were human alone. I felt there was a thread through the story where sex and death were shown as 'normal' parts of animal life, and yet were hidden and brought shame in human lives. I just wonder if that was a thread others found, as when I looked at reviews I haven't seen that mentioned although there was lots about anthropomorphising and the animal-human interaction.

This wasn't a comfortable or easy read, even though the book is rather small. It packs a punch, which I guess is why it attracted the attention of those judging literary awards.

Unfortunately I won't be able to be at the book group discussion on the book. I'd love to know how others found the story.

Phallic Friday - polyamory

There was a really interesting article on news.com.au this week about polyamory - you can read it here.

And if you're wondering how polyamory is different to polygamy, there's a great article here.

Simply, polyamory is about having many loving relationships, where all people understand that others are involved in your life. These relationships may not necessarily be sexual.

Polygamy is having more than one wife or husband at the same time.

The polyamory article was interesting because it focussed on the conversations and the discussions partners may have. Sure, sex was mentioned - it's a click bait article so it has to, right - but I thought this article didn't overly hammer that angle for a change :)

Polyamory (I'm going to call it poly) appeals to me, or makes sense to me. I don't believe that one person can give another everything they need, which I feel is the fable that's spun around monogamy.

When I lived in a small town, I had my regular husband (Mr E) and a friend from work who I laughingly called my Cultural Husband. Mr E doesn't do art shows or musical theatre. He'll go under sufferance but I know he's hating every moment and that makes me uncomfortable. So it was best if he stayed home and was happy. So when I wanted to go, I'd invite my Cultural Husband (who lived across a couple of paddocks) with Mr E's full approval and relief. I'd never have termed us poly, but I guess, by definition, it sort of was that kind of a relationship. Everyone knew about everyone else, everything was upfront and discussed, both men got along well (when not at events they didn't like!).

I enjoy having D&M discussions with people about shared interests. I don't have a problem talking with men or women. Over my life, there have been quite a lot of people who've taken issue to me spending time with their partner/friend/associate. It's always disappointed me when people assume you can't have discussions/friendships without sex being involved. I think that's why I really enjoyed this article.

How do you feel about polyamory?

Phallic Friday: Bad sex

https://theweek.com/articles/749978/female-price-male-pleasure?utm_source=links&utm_medium=website&utm_campaign=twitter

I've just read the most incredible, well argued article about sex and the disparity between male sex and female sex. I had to write some thoughts.

The arguments presented in this article about women's expectations of pain, and their equating of bad sex with pain, and linking that to loss of virginity are quite blindingly obvious when pointed out. 

I think this needs to go further too. Women often don't know 'good' sex. For a male, orgasming is easy as there's an appendage there, waiting to be tugged upon, easily accessible and you can see the results of an orgasm. For women, this is so much more difficult.

You grow up, or I did at least, being told not to touch your gentitals, not to explore 'down there', and an orgasm was never well described. When I explored my body, I had no clue if what was pleasure was an orgasm or just pleasure. When I lost my virginity, I still wasn't entirely sure if I'd orgasmed or just felt good. I was a few years past lost virginity before I met a guy who knew a hell of a lot more about women's bodies than I did. He knew a hell of a lot more about sex than I did, and he introduced me to sexual openness, good sex, asking for what you wanted, and expecting reciprocal pleasure. If I hadn't met him, I would have had book learning and fumbling with guys who knew as little as I did.

I've had a number of sexual partners (not enough to make any huge sweeping statements about mankind, so these are just my opinions from my experiences) and their amount of knowledge and care of me has varied. I've had sex where I've sucked up the pain, bit my lip and waited for it to be done, pushed my partner away and yelled in pain after he hadn't listened when I was hurt. I've had men tell me I couldn't be in pain because it wasn't possible that they were doing anything to hurt. 

Have I said anything about this? No. Why not? Because I respected the guy's feelings. I didn't want to embarrass them, I felt it was something I did wrong, I wasn't going to see them again so it didn't matter. Various reasons.

But it does matter. We should be able to educate our partners. We should expect to be able to have some pleasure. We should expect our needs to be taken seriously.

When I was unknowledgeable, it was embarrassing, but hell, I had a ready teacher and I got over my embarrassment. I had the best sex I've ever experienced. I learned what good sex was. I learned what an orgasm was, even multiple orgasms. He seemed to enjoy it as much as I did, and in actual fact, I think he taught pleasure so well, that sex lasted much longer than usual because the mental connection was a stronger aphrodisiac than the physical intimacy.

So why don't men want to learn? Why don't they want to improve? Why don't they want to discuss, compromise, change their actions, to have a much more fulfilling experience?

I wish I had the answers.

A bad sex book has been flitting about in my head for so long because there are so many women who have had bad sex, and speaking about it to an erotic author seems to be the norm :) But, bad sex has never been something you can write in romance. But maybe I need to write it as erotica. And the world seems to be opening up enough that such a book might be read.

Any thoughts on this? Or on the article?

Saturday Soapbox - women as weaker part 2

I know, it's Sunday, but I have more I need to get off my chest.

Women are often their own worst enemy. My words towards the end of the last post made me run onto this tangent.

"Boys will be boys." 
"Some men don't know any better." 
"Not all men are like that." 
"Don't rock the boat." 
"You need to take the higher ground."
"Turn the other cheek."
"Don't be like that, men like to be needed."
"Dress to impress."
"Don't try to be one of the boys; men don't like that."
"You can't be friends with men."
"All men want is sex, not emotion or connection."

OMG, the platitudes. They just start spewing out of me. I've heard all these things a thousand millions times over the years. They've been drummed into my mind from a very young age and so I have to actually push them aside before I find my own voice.

This is what women do. This is how we keep ourselves in a subservient position.

Fuck that!

No more.

In publishing, look how many stories are written by women, about subservient women. It boggles my mind. I don't like reading them. I know there's the argument that the woman becomes stronger by the end (or she tames the alpha) or whatever tale we want to tell ourselves...but we're perpetuating the 'women are lesser' myth. We. Women. Are doing this to ourselves.

If that's your fantasy - fine. I don't have a problem with it being a sexual fantasy. My problem is that it's a reality for the world. We need to debunk that. We need to change that.

If 80% of stories (this is my guess, which may be somewhat exaggerated) written by women, for women, perpetuate the subservience of women...then can we ever change reality?

If publishers say, "This isn't romance, the woman isn't showing herself as weaker and in need of saving," then we're not helping change the world. We aren't truly reflecting what we want the world to be. We're shoving a stereotype down other women's throats and not letting other fantasies/stories happen.

Can't we have strong women in romance?
Can't we have women who want to have what they want?
Can't we have heroines who save themselves? Heroines who know what they want, and go after that?

Heroines can be strong and still have a hero fall in love with them. Or in my world, they can.

Why are we putting women into subservient roles in so so so many stories??????

Break the damn mould. Let women be strong.

Take a leaf from Wonder Woman; she's strong, powerful, knows what she wants, and is capable of respect and love.

STOP telling each other that we're weaker. STOP telling each other that we're lesser. STOP telling each other we need a man to save us, make us whole.

We need to believe in ourselves. We need to believe in each other. We need to know that we can be loved, strong, and equal.

Saturday Soapbox - women as weaker

Did you see Uma Thurmon shaking with rage as she quietly said she was too angry to make a comment about the treatment of women in Hollywood? Well, that's how I'm feeling. I'm shaking with rage, paralysed in thought because everything is all jumbled up, but I don't seem to be able to settle. So I'm going to soapbox my tangled thoughts.

My personal experiences have become all caught up in the world's experiences. Things I thought I'd dealt with and banished, have surfaced. I'm angry, fuming, at men...even men who haven't done anything to me (or other women), except bury their heads in the sand.

And that's irrational. I know. But how do I stop myself ranting at someone's ignorance? How can you live in the world and not see what's happening?

The other night the news had a statistic of 3 out of every 10 women have been negatively affected by men's behaviour. Male said, "Gosh, that's a high statistic." I laughed, bitterly. I think it's the tip of the iceberg, and the statistic is more likely to be 9 out of every 10, or maybe even 10. Horrified man was gulping. Asked why I thought that.

And that's when so many instances came flooding into my head. Things I thought I'd banished. Things that in themselves weren't too horrible but when I started thinking of them all, one after another, I felt sick. Physically sick. 

I only said a few instances out loud, but Male was horrified...and truly, I'm not sure he believed me. But he started to talk about his workplace and how my comments had just changed how he might deal with his staff. He's a gentle, if oblivious, soul who has always worked with lots of women (as opposed to me who's always worked mostly with men). And I seriously wonder how he's never noticed all the things that affect women.

I consider myself lucky that I've always worked directly with respectful men. I've never had to work under a barrage of abuse. However, I employed a woman who did. One of my co-workers took a dislike to her and made her life a living hell. After weeks of 'putting up with it', she came to me with the problem. Fuck. As if I knew what to do. But he was threatening her and her children, so it had definitely gone beyond something we could contain. I took it to my boss, and then to the workplace management. All men. Nothing happened. He denied it, of course. But I saw him now. I couldn't un-see him. He was a horrible man who had always made snide comments at me, which I'd taken as jest. Now they weren't funny. There was a serious problem and no one would do anything. I helped arrange for a transfer to another section for her (this wasn't a management thing, but a few concerned people taking action). I had always worried about the man in charge of the other section because he was a bit slick (not quite sleazy but just a slick kind of salesman type), but he was horrified by what had happened and rearranged his workers to take on this woman. I looked at him differently then. I had a lot of time for him, and respect. The same could not be said for so many others who I had expected more from.

I'd tucked this horrifying incident somewhere deep in my mind. It came out in a huge blurt of horror with a bucket full of twisted and tangled emotions. Anger. Horror. Frustration. Helplessness. Futility. Unfairness. Fury. 

He got away with being a total creeper because he denied it. WTF? There was evidence, okay, so it may not have held up in court but it was enough to point the finger at him. All he had to do was say, "No." She had to have phone taps, diarised entries, interviews by at least 4 senior males, questions as to her private life. God, it makes me sick to see what happened.

I was mid 20s (she was at least ten years older, thank goodness. It would have been more awful if she was younger than me, and less experienced in the world), and I lost my faith in the system totally. Although, I didn't have a lot of faith to begin with.

As a kid, men whittled away at my confidence in being a strong woman. Women didn't help because all of those around me deferred to men, made excuses for men, and taught me that men held power even as they tried to say women were equal.

Women have never been treated as equal. Never. 

My concern is that now the tide is turning somewhat, despicable men in positions of power will wield the lash to ensure women are put back 'in their place', and sadly, I don't have enough faith in other men to stand up for us.

And that makes me angry. And it makes me lash out at the men who have never noticed what happens to women in this patriarchal society. I'm shaking with fury, yet I feel impotent. Completely and utterly useless. The world seems to be a horrible place right now.

Phallic Friday - women's health

There's a fabulous post this week on the ABC website about women's health - vulva and vagina health.

You can read it here.

A gynaecologist gives some great tips, some info about changes over time, and some health details.

I think it's really important that women do look after themselves. And gynaecological health is vital - but it is something women are often uncomfortable discussing. Sometimes, I've found male doctors uncomfortable discussing my health with me - particularly if I ask questions!

But this article was great, I thought. Thanks, Dr Elizabeth Farrell for your insights and openness.

Hope you enjoy it too.

Sunday Story - erotica likes/dislikes

I read an interesting blog post through the week, which had my mind working. You can read the post here - it's on the Book Riot blog, by Casey Stepaniuk, called "Why Don't I Like Erotica?"

I was tempted to comment on the post...and maybe I will...but at the moment I've not. Mostly because my thoughts aren't succinct!

I share some of her views that erotica can be boring. Sometimes I read erotic stories, often the latest, greatest thing, and I find it boring too. Sometimes, it's just a story. I'm not drawn in or engaged. I read a bit, maybe I discard, maybe I persevere, but it doesn't engage my mind, let alone anything else. I guess I touched on this in the recent Catnip or Poison post.

After reading that post, I've been trying to work out why I have this reaction to stories, particularly erotica.

I think it's because in a non-erotic story, for me to love it, I need to have:

• great writing
• characters that I can relate to
• a story that is plausible and sensible and that works for me
• good character arcs so I see changes happening

When you add in the erotic component, I also need:

• sex scenes that are believable for those characters
• sex scenes that affect me on a mental (and physical/biochemical) level
• sex scenes that reach inside me and wrestle for my attention/emotion/recognition.

I think erotica needs an extra complexity that other stories don't require because when a reader reads an erotic story, they want (or I do anyway) the tension, the buzz, the build up, and the release that comes with sex. This may not be needed in every scene, but it needs to be there in some form for the reader to connect to the story. And maybe that's why I love writing erotica...it's deeply challenging.

However, this requirement also adds a deeper layer of subjectivity to an already highly subjective art form. There are so many variables that have to be 'right' for a reader, that finding the correct book/reader becomes more difficult.

It also, for me, adds a much more difficult aspect of writing to 'deal with'. On one level, when a reader writes and tells me how much they loved a story and how much it affected them, it's a truly uplifting experience. It hits right into the heart. It makes all the swearing and sweating and cursing as I wrestled with the story and characters, worthwhile. But there's this part of me that sort of cringes, that gets decidedly uncomfortable with the comment (probably over-thinking on my part!). It goes back to an incident when my first story was published...

When my first short story came out in an anthology, Dad took the book to show his mates at his retirees do. I was so chuffed. Then he told me how he had it wrapped in a paper bag and passed it under the table...and my chuffed got a bit deflated. Some weeks later, he told me how one of his mates forgot my pen name but loved my story and thought it was best in the anthology. Again, a totally chuffed feeling, until the brown paper bag got mentioned again, and I realised I was titillating 70+-year old men...and my chuffed got battered again.

So, it's a strange thing, erotica. It needs to be 'more' to be 'liked' by readers - it needs to connect on a very deep level with the reader. But as a writer, I can't really afford to write thinking about how readers read my scenes. I don't write wondering if people will be reading it one-handed, and I'm not even sure I want to know if readers do that...but isn't that my aim when I write erotica?

When I read erotica, it takes a phenomenal book for me to lose myself in it...and when I do, it's an incredibly powerful read that penetrates my mind and body and takes me on a sensory ride that's a complete and utter thrill. And why shouldn't I tell the author what a marvelous job they've done? Because it's a bloody feat to connect with a reader's mind...and it's even more amazing to do that with an incredible personal experience, like sex.

Which still leaves me confused about reactions...but not confused about the level of difficulty required for an erotic story to be 'liked'.

As I reader, I don't have a favourite erotic writer. There are some authors who I like to read because their writing style appeals, but some of their books bore me, when another of their books has grabbed me by throat and taken me to the highest heights. Some erotic books I've picked up have had writing that grates, but the emotion/sex has grabbed me and I've ignored the writing/style (although, for me, there are fewer of these).

It's such an interesting topic to think about an explore...and possibly I need to think more as a reader, separate to as a writer.

The original blog post I read has taken me on a waffly old journey of thoughts and self-discovery, where I probably haven't solved anything, but I feel better for expressing my mixed up thoughts.

Does the original blog post, or my thoughts, resonate with you?