Oh boy, it's been another huge break from here. I have no clue where the time vanishes to!
Here are some photos from yesterday...just so I can keep this blog going until I get myself writing again, or find words, or whatever is missing.
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| Onion weed flower |
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| A bunch of onion weed flowers |
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| Butterfly |
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| Fish and their shadows in the river |
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| A Little Tern caught dinner |
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| A young Welcome Swallow keeps an eye on me |
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| Another young Welcome Swallow |
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| Pelican |
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| Plane and contrail |
I've got a notebook filled with scribble, and last night I managed to sit and type some. I was thinking about societal standards and conventions when a Rugby League story ran across my twitter feed and got me thinking.
I grew up in a time when societal conventions were quite strongly adhered to - although they were breaking apart. I was someone who questioned all these stupid standards that stopped me doing things, so I've not been good at knowing what these standards are or caring too much about them. However, most of my family group and many friends, care deeply about them.
As I wrote this story, Ashton has no clue about standards and is questioning Angie all the time about "why?" His questioning makes her question too. So she's coming to realisations as she patiently explains things, and sees how silly her explanations become.
This is kind of where I think we are in a society too. There is a generation of youth who don't really understand or give a shit about convention. There are an older generation who hold dearly to convention and will die defending them. Then there's a bunch of us in the middle who have started dismantling, and can see both sides.
And back to the Rugby League story. A female Indigenous player made some social media posts (I haven't seen them) about the Queen's death that offended many people. She's been penalised for this. One journalist went so far as to call this 'the most reprehensible thing in Rugby League'.
The most reprehensible thing? Lordy! After some of the things that have happened in rugby league, I think that's a ridiculous call. But anyway...I'm not going to delve into that.
I think this is a case where societal conventions are confused by social media.
In the collective of society, the Queen's death has been mourned across the world, with the media saturation and perpetuation of the grief incredible.
If you're someone who ignores the media (as in news, commercial media, etc) and has social media as your point of reference, then the people who are in your social media 'group' are the ones you take your cues from. They're the ones who are setting your societal conventions, so to speak.
If your social media is curated to being only the things you're passionate about, believe in, and support - then you may have a different view of what's accepted in the wider community, than what the wider community sees.
I have a wide mix of people in my social media feeds and I skim it rather than devour it. So I see a lot of varying views. And I like that. I like to think about things from different perspectives, and develop my own thoughts (or open my mind to other ideas). There was a huge outpouring of grief for the death, but I also saw a lot of people who were not grieving at all and saw this as a time of change.
At present, the wider narrative is about the grief, sadness, loss and what a wonderful woman. The world media has ensured that. But what if your social feed was not showing that? How would you know?
Societal conventions are constructions that exist because it's a majority held belief. There is always going to be people opposing every convention (I think that's human nature).
How do we deal with these people? In most cases, they're punished for not conforming.
I'm not sure that we should be dealing out punishment for non-conformity.
And that's where Angie and Ash's book lies... me treading a path of non-conformity, and wondering if I've gone too far! Maybe that's why I'm struggling to write.
Hmmmfff...I just hit myself in the face with that thought! That is most likely the case. Every idea I have at the moment is treading a fine line in non-conforming. I'm struggling with myself as to whether or not I should "go there". Huh!?!?! This is almost three years of mulling and I think I've finally seen what my 'unable to write' problem is.
Fearless Friday needs to be Fearless every day.
Thanks for reading the thoughst of my rambling mind.
Cate xo
But I've been invited to a writing event. My heart is so full of joy and excitement. I've been preparing for some time now, but in the back of my mind I was scared it would get cancelled or borders would close down or something disastrous (and you know, that may still happen, so I'm not over the fear of that yet!).
In this whirlwind of writing joy, I began to write again. Just a few lines, just for a few days, but words have started the slow trickle out.
And the story I've begun has been percolating for some time - way back when Team Player was being 'birthed'. It's a Glebe Gannets story, with one of the guys we met briefly in Team Player. A young guy, like Lyle, called Ashton.
His story idea came to me in a whoosh! He's a bit different - he's blunt, unapologetic, a footy nerd - some might say he's 'on the spectrum' but I don't want to label him. He's just uniquely Ashton. And he's young, I mentioned that, right? Somewhere between 18 and 20. So young.
But he meets this woman. God, it's so intense because she lets him be. He's usually told to shutup, be different, calm down, whatever. She just smiles and lets him talk. She lets him be Ashton. But she's not young. She could be his mother but he's not worried about that - she is though!
I'd tried to write it but it was bogged down in her feelings of inadequacy and awfulness - even though she was a successful woman. And I hated that. I couldn't write it.
When I began recently, I began writing as Ashton. Wow! What a change. I can depict her as a strong sexy incredible woman. That's what he sees. That's who is attractive to him. And her fears have to come out verbally, because he's pretty shit at picking up cues.
I don't think I've written (anything published) from the male perspective before, and I hadn't been comfortable doing it either. But Ash is a chatterbox and he's happy to tell this story. He wants to burn through this bullshit shame. He wants to love fiercely. He doesn't give a shit about age.
Maybe the last few years of no words has been about me changing my perspective and breaking out of my own boxes with how I write. Maybe I stuck myself in a place, and even if I wasn't completely happy there, I told myself that's how I had to write. That's how it worked. That's how the world worked. I have a few story ideas that aren't 'normal'. That are breaking out of what I usually do. It's thrilling and terrifying all at once.
So, wish me luck! I hope Ashton will keep yabbering at me and keep me away from shame and society's view of the non-sexiness of older women :) :)
I went to the footy last weekend too - I wonder if being in a crazy-high footy crowd also boosted my writing mojo!?
This year, Jodi and Christina decided on a theme of Forbidden Desire.
I was wondering if I should participate when an idea struck me. If I had 28 Forbidden things, and 28 Desires, I could pick one of each daily and create a poem using those words.
I suppose it is obvious, but it wasn't to me (!), but each poem I've created has been a 'critique' on society.
I hadn't realised how much I had to say about so many different topics! And most of the 28 words I'd forgotten (as I created the lists a week or so before 1 Feb), but my subconscious must have been working on this for a while.
I guess over the last few years, this blog has seen me work out many frustrations at society, so it's probably no surprise that forbidden desires have resulted in this commentary.
I'll paste a few of the "poems" here:
I'm in a very strange land. Not just living in NSW where the Delta strain of Covid took off and spread (to other parts of NSW and Aus), but also because I've a science training but I live mostly in the woo-woo lands now. Covid has really pushed buttons for me and made me face a lot of things.
My science training should have me all gung-ho about medicine...but my science training also taught me to read between the lines, look for the raw data, see the evidence, question everything.
My life has also made me somewhat of a skeptic about blindly following the 'pharmaceuticals have an answer/cure for everything' creed that seems to be somewhat rife in society. This isn't a recent thing, in high school females get a Rubella vaccination (to stop you getting German Measles if you fall pregnant). I don't suppose this is compulsory, but I was a kid so it wasn't my decisions. So, 120 girls line up to get their shot. 119 girls merrily go back to school without any issue. 1 kid, yep me, goes home and spends 2 weeks sick with german measles. This is my first memory of medicine and me not quite seeing eye-to-eye.
I've had a couple of flu vaccines in my life - and been sick afterwards. One doctor even suggested that I'd probably be better not having them. Thank you Doc :)
In my 30s, I got Ross River Fever and Glandular fever, which led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS has made me super super sensitive to so many things (or maybe CFS made me aware of my super sensitivity). I make choices all the time - noisy restuarant or take away? trust someone else's cooking (I can't do gluten) or cook myself? walk or work? family visit or much needed rest after busy week? buy clothes or have acupuncture? buy frivilous household item or buy chinese herbs? The list is endless.
So then we come to the Covid vaccine question.
Everything I've read about covid (plus a family memebr having it) lets me know it's similar to Ross River Fever, and Long Covid is like CFS. I know what these are like; I don't want them (again).
But vaccines and me! I would love to be a foster carer of bats (I used to do it back in the old days) but you need to be vaccinated to do it. I decided against risking that vaccination, so I no longer care for bats. It was a tough decision to make, but the best one for me (I think).
After thinking long and hard, and reading anything scientific I could lay my hands on, I made a few decisions. One was that I would wait for spring until getting vaccinated because I wanted to be healthy before having it, and winter isn't the best time for my health.
Then Sydney got the Delta strain sweeping through...and outwards. As it came closer, Mr E began to worry and pester me about getting vaccinated - any time, any vaccine, just get it done. It was the media and government push too. And it was saturating. Everywhere I turned the same message was being hammered in (and turning was mostly on social media and TV/radio because we were in lockdown).
I'd made my decision and it was bloody hard to stick to it with communal fear and peer pressure, along with government messaging, being incessant. But I know my body. I know what's best for me. And I knew I had to wait until spring.
And then vaccination being compulsory got thrown around. That really got my back up. As someone who had made my own independent decision and assessment, and I was only waiting, I felt for those who'd made a decision not to be vaccinated. The pressure was (and is) horrendous.
I don't care why people have made a decision to remain unvaccinated. That's their call and their decision. They feel they need to make that decision for their body, then I'm not judging. I've made similar decisions for other vaccines. To lose your right to choice, is a big step for humanity, and not one I'm happy to take. So each to their own.
But with each passing day, the pressure to override my personal choice was huge.
Thank goodness for a few supportive people around me who were calm, clear-headed, and listened to my reasoning. It was reassuring for someone to say, "Oh, you've thought about this then." I mean, usually such a sceptical comment would have my back up, but this was pretty much the best I could get so I had to take it! LOL!
I don't live in a city. I don't consider that I'm remote either. But the GPs here didn't get much supply. When they did, they prioritised those in retail and others. And I applauded that. If the virus got into the retail workers, our little town would have all been affected by covid because we all go to at least one of those shops daily.
I rang a couple of times to see if the vaccination appointments were open yet - and was told no. And then, after a few weeks, one of the ladies said I could fill in the paperwork, drop it in, and be on the waiting list. Perfect. I did that.
Unexpectedly, I got a cancellation and got my first shot a month ago. 3 weeks later, my second shot. I wish I could tell you that all was well...but it's me and my precious, sensitive body. When I was up for #2, the Dr asked how we'd all gone with #1 - yep, only me affected. There was maybe 15-20 people in the group (we had group, outdoor vaccinations - incredible for community spirit!).
So, in the last month, this is how I've been:
In that time, I've drunk an ocean of water, taken pain killers, slept with my arm on a soft pillow, had more Ross River flash-backs and pain than you'd ever want. Where I had been walking most days, this past month, I've done maybe 4 walks (mostly shorter than usual). I just don't have any energy to spare.
So, more than half of the last month, I've been "sick". The rest of the month, I've been "getting better". I made a choice to do this to myself. It wasn't an easy choice. The last month has been hell on my mental health (on top of the lockdown and general insanity of the world) and my physical health. Over the past 16 years with CFS, I've worked my arse off to be as healthy as I possible can be, and I needed every single trick I've learned to remain as healthy as I have during this past month.
Vaccination should never be compulsory.
I can't imagine how I'd have healed if I hadn't have been allowed to make the choice to take those jabs myself.
For those who, like Mr E, find vaccinations a minor inconvenience, I hope you can appreciate another side to that story.
I wouldn't wish the last month on anyone. But years of having covid/long covid, no thanks. I've done that with another virus, and I doubt I could go through that again. This past month has been a reminder enough.
And that's my vaccination story. I'm almost a week past #2 and in the 'picking up' stage. Hopefully, I can keep healing and soon be back to how I was a month ago! Fingers crossed. I miss my photo walks.
I've had a few conversations this week that have things swirling in my head and I wanted to sift them out the best way I know how - here!
Life at the moment is weird - if you wrote about it, an editor would tell you it was unbelievable and you couldn't write it!
In Australia, Covid had a big impact in early 2020 when 'fear' of what this virus is and what it can do was high. We were all locked down for some weeks. And then things became less fearful and more open, however the threat of the virus didn't go away.
Actually, I should start pre-virus, the bushfire season of 2019/2020 is what scared me in such a profound way, I made massive (for me) life and thought changes. So the virus was something I managed much easier than the fires. I had had my existential crisis and I knew where I was now headed.
So, we got through 2020. And then the Delta strain hit. We saw awful stories from overseas and lamented at how awful it all was (we'd become good at this because we're an island and could contain). And then the strain arrived in Australia, and took off (in Aus-terms) in Sydney.
It's 11 weeks since Sydney and surrounds locked down. All my families are up there, so we can't see them. No matter what hardships they're experiencing, we can't help. And that hurts me.
We're all in lockdown now, all of NSW.
Unfortuantely, again, the virus has got into those communities that society wanted to protect (aged, children and Indigenous). Not to mention that it's infected places where people cannot leave - hospitals and prisons. (If I got into my thoughts on this, I don't think I'd be able to stop, so I'm not going there today).
The impacts of the virus are highlighting inequalities with society. Rich school students have received the vaccine before much of the vulnerable communities. City folk have huge vaccination clinics set up, while rural and remote communities have limited supply (I'm still on a waiting list). Home schooling and work from home are putting huge strains on families. Hospitality jobs have pretty much ceased to exist, with little aid in this lockdown. So many small businesses are out of action, receiving little assistance, while many big corporations are profiteering and abusing assistance packages. Female sports have been largely abandoned, while male sports have continued even when it means massive financial input and huge location changes. I coudl go on, but I won't.
So... what are we as a society doing when these inequalities are exposed? It hits the media, then it's gone. Or it hits the media in a way that somehow seems less, or that is spun in some way to make it seem 'unavoidable'. We're bandaiding over the inequality.
Let me just go on a personal segue here.
I contracted Ross River Fever in 2005. It's a mosquito-borne virus that has varying impacts on different people. For me, it wiped out an active person and turned them to someone functioning at a bare minimum. I could shower, but then I'd need to rest before I could get dressed, and sometimes that rest was a 2 hour sleep. I could sleep for 18 hours a day - and I had no choice about that. My body would just cease to function. I went from working in a new demanding job, sometimes 12 hour days, to sleeping more than I was awake.
Everything I thought I knew about myself had shifted and changed. I lost things that I thought were vital (eg good health, robust body, a career, work that gave me financial independence, the ability to travel at a whim, do things without thought).
A little tiny virus I never saw, reduced me to nothing. I had to re-evaluate my self, my life, my values, my fears, my prejudices, my responses to things.
Slowly I regained health, and then it slid away, I regained and it slid. Honestly, it was like a bloody rollercoaster for years as I battled. I'd get better, 'do too much', and get worse.
What was 'do too much'? It could be anything at all, and that was the frustrating thing. I never knew what would set me on my arse again.
Slowly, I made my way to 2019 when the bushfires stared me down. I had some moments in those months where I faced difficult things inside of me. My rash offers of help to anyone. My fear of losing everything. My fear that humanity was a failed experiment. My inability to leave a lasting legacy of which I was proud. My pain at loss of animals and environment. My love for those who helped in any way, big or small. My horror at the media portrayal of everything.
One morning, I faced a choice. Did I want to live through this, because it was going to get worse and I would be alone? I didn't answer that straight away. I took time to think about it. What did 'worse' and 'alone' mean? Let me tell you, I never went close to this! But I elected to live through this. I wanted to change, and help bring about change.
Life has flowed since then. I participated in an Ho'oponopono course that helped me face so many fears that had been buried inside me - personal fears and ancestral fears, hurts and pain. To sit and talk about these things was incredible. Yes, totally woo-woo, but hell, nothing else was making sense in this bat-shit crazy world (before it all went nuts!).
Which brings me back in a circle.
There's a virus in our world that's affecting everyone on the planet and exposing fears, hurts, inequalities. What's it asking us?
We've been so quick to develop a vaccination to mask the problem and keep going as normal. But is that what we should be doing?
Should we be taking this time to look at all the fractures/inequalities/holes/forgetten parts in our society and do better? Should we be dismantling what doesn't serve us all, and replacing with a different system?
It's easy to be in the 'comfort zone' of the usual. But if the usual isn't working for you, should we be propping it up?
Society (as a whole) isn't working for me. The system and I have had issues since I was a kid who didn't fit in. I tried to fit in, for years, but I ended up sick and forgotten by a system that really doesn't care. I've worked my way back to health, but I'm damned if I'm trying to fit in again.
We rail against the Middle Eastern and Asian cultures with their strict rules ensuring society plays by the powers that be ... but are we any different?
I can't change everything, but I can change me.
I can make choices. I can do due diligence to find out what's hidden behind stories. I can change my life, my world, my self.
I'm finding joy in nature. I'm trying to buy from companies that have a good ethos. I'm trying to make connections with people who share my views. I'm trying to emit love, joy and happiness instead of fear, and panic. I'm trying to keep human connections in a society where lockdowns are thought to be beneficial for people. This is not to say I'm breaking the rules. I'm following as best I can, but I'm also making conscious choices to do what I can to stop these rules abusing my humanity.
People need connections. People need to talk to each other, hug each other, care for each other in the ways they know. Isolating people is a great way to breed fear and keep control ... and I don't want to be controlled like an automaton. I'm here to live a human life, with other humans, and have a positive impact on the world. I'm just not sure how I can do that at the moment.
But I am not alone.
You are not alone.
No matter how difficult this time is, reach out to others. Help others. Shine light and love where you can. Smile. Love. Live.
I'm not sure that I've solved any problems here, but my poor tired brain is settling down and not so tangled now. Thanks for the space to express my thoughts...which is another thing. I need middle ground discussions in society - where we can talk out things and air views and think how we might change our views or hold them more closely. The climate at the moment is so polarised - if you're questioning anything you're deemed crazy. It seems that there's toe-ing the line, or nothing. I work in the grey in-between. I want to see discussions (but not arguments or vitriol) and gently air my views, so that I can formulate and jostle things in my head to see where I fit. This has always been a safe space for me to do that. I hope we can have more safe spaces for discussions.
During this past week, I met someone who I stood behind for a substantial period of time. She was wearing a backless pair of overalls, so I had a full view of her beck from hairline right down to just above her butt crack. And she had dimples above the edge of the overalls. They sat, perfectly proportioned, on either sides of her spine, and they captivated me.
And yes, I felt like an idiot!
I can't logically explain why I was so captivated.
She was fine boned, slim but with light musculature. Her back was lovely, as in. I could appreciate her unblemished skin and lithe body. And that's usually where my thoughts would have ended... except for these freaking dimples.
They danced, calling to my eyes. Or maybe it was the fabric, a few centimetres beneath them, that framed them enough to keep my attention coming back to them.
I rarely take photos of people... but I wanted to photograph her back. I wanted to capture the play of muscles, and the movement of flesh. But a photograph may never have been enough, I would have needed to video. I would probably have needed to touch, to see how deeply these indentations were embedded (they didn't look all that deep). If I touched, where would that have taken me? Would my thumbs have fitted perfectly into these indentations as I held her for me... for someone else...?
And why were these freaking dimples so enthralling?
Was it because they were on a woman, with her petite frame? Was it just the clothing drawing attention to them? Was it just so unexpected in the venue I was at? Has COVID had me so isolated I've forgotten what different bodies look like?
I haven't written in a very long time, but those dimples made me want to write about them - as well as photograph them. And in an even weirder experience, the story idea that came with dimples was about a lady with these same dimples, and her lady's maid who lusts after them for years until she's caught staring at them by the lady's new husband...all of this in an historical setting.
Which reminds me of a psychic reading I had many years ago, where my fame would come with a select few historical romance novels.
And all this has thrown my equilibrium.
So, how's your week been? Any dimples on the scene, throwing out of alignment your world?
Our patriarchal society has long bred this extreme form of masculinity by minimising/belittling the feminine. As the power of the feminine is rising, there is going to be some who wish to quash this as they still see feminine qualities/traits as secondary, lesser, less than them.
I think this is some of the force behind the changes in the world as I'm seeing it today.
COVID-19 has made the world stop. It's taken away a lot of structures that held the global economy (power) in place. It's highlighting aspects of society that aren't working. We are being forced to think about people (caring), health (nurturing), supporting those in need. These are all quite feminine traits (in the strict sense of the dual/polar society we live in). In the past, these traits have seen less pay for those in nursing and care professions. As a result of COVID, will we now begin to value these professions, and make changes to pay structures accordingly? It'll be fascinating to see.
The USA is another hotbed of issues. Minority groups are finding their voice. A man who I think exhibits many of the toxic masculine traits is refusing to accept loss, after years of having a place of power...where some believe he abused that office. It's an interesting power play to watch from afar - even though global repercussions may occur, and in that way I'm not so distant. To me, this situation embodies the global power play where masculine and feminine energies are reaching a new area of balance.
In the 1990s, I worked with a Canadian who was here to do her PhD or post-doc research. I remember her saying that in Canada, the power imbalance between men and women was not as obvious as she saw it here in Australia. I was shocked by that, I thought we weren't too bad. Then she said that it was far worse in the USA, which was one of the reason she'd come here. I didn't really understand what she was saying, never having spent any time in the USA and not having been to Canada, but 30 years later, I wonder if others have seen what she saw so long ago, and are trying to change that imbalance, not just in gender inequality.
I watched an interview (https://www.leeharrisenergy.com/podcast#section-1605132491191) recently with a woman (https://suzymiller.com/) working with autistic children. The data she gave about autism blew my mind. She said in the (I think) the 1980s, autism affected 1 in 10 000 children. Today, those figures are 1 in 54.
1 in 54? How did that change so drastically?
She said that generally, autistic children are more perceptive and intuitive (both traditionally feminine traits) and yet many are male children. She thinks that these children are here to help change the world. And I have to agree with her. If there are THAT many children who aren't 'fitting in' to societies' structures, then society structures will have to shift and change.
If these children are exhibiting more of the shunned feminine traits, then the masculine-feminine imbalance in society will need to shift to accommodate these drastic changes in the population.
I may not see this in my lifetime, but I hope I do. I think it'll happen quickly. These kids will need the world changed as they grow up and try to find a place in the world (within the next 20 years)... and there's a virus that's affecting the whole world and making us change how we work. How coincidental :)
I think this outrage we're seeing from so much of the toxic masculine energy, may be it's death throes. Although, it's persisted for a long long time. I hate saying it, but I think there may be more of a fight before the feminine can be balanced better. And yes, putting this in text, "out there" makes me a target, I know. I don't want to be a target. I don't want to poke my head up to be seen. But I also want to speak my truth, say what I see, have a little light shining from me. So these words are here.
I love this world. I love all the incredible, fascinating things about nature, the earth, people, animals, birds, insects, etc etc. I love the feel of the sunshine, the rain and the wind, of energy changing, of shifts and adjustments. I love the intellectual challenge of working out how and why. This is my little space to share myself. I love having it...even as it challenges me!
I have a fair few of the pesky tiny ones. Each time they come up, I've been trying to work out what's behind it, and see if I can face that and look at it in a different way.
It's not something new. I've been doing it for years. I have no idea how it started or why I do it. I kind of figured everyone did it in their quest to become someone who wasn't constantly driven insane, or who didn't internally fight with themselves all the time, or to be a better person (or whatever the heck the motivation for it is). But I'm realising as I talk to people that it's not something everyone does. So, I thought I'd talk about it. And, you know, I'm having a trigger right at the moment, so what better time to flesh it out with a up-to-the-minute example.
Mr E has the day off today. This is unusual because he's been working ridiculous hours for about a year now. Because he hasn't been around much, I have this space to myself. Today, the TV is turned on as soon as we're up. I like silence. I'm working, he has the day off. He says he needs no help, so I begin work... in the first hour, he interrupted me no less than 8 times. Could I do this? Could I do that? I'm not up to interruptions. My day is working in silence at my own rhythm. I'm triggered by these things.
Then... while I'm not doing so well, he triggers me more.
Last weekend we picked up an outdoor setting. But footy grand finals and tax were a higher priority than putting it together. And I went to do it through the week but I thought, "No, we should do it together. He wanted to do it with me." Except, today, he's doing it. Right now. Even after I suggested we do it on the weekend together when I'm not working.
And I know he'll say he wanted to help me out by doing it. I know he thinks he's being sweet doing it himself so I don't have to interrupt my day.
But it pisses me off.
I considered him. I was waiting for him so we could do it together. I said this when I suggested doing it over the weekend, and it was ignored.
What are my triggers?
I like to be needed.
I hate being ignored.
I can see his rationale about caring, helping, etc etc.
But from my point of view, he's excluding me, saying that I'm not needed (and probably couldn't do it anyway). And that's the baggage I carry. From where? I'm not entirely sure. I think there's an ancestral female thing about the patriarchy. I have a strong dose of that in me, and Mr E has a strong dose of the protector-male thing, so we often clash over those issues when they butt up. I didn't have brothers, so I was the one who helped with outdoor tasks, as the eldest, so it's not really a childhood thing. There is a "kit" thing from my mother that I carry - we (Mum and us kids) always built kits when Dad wasn't around because he had no patience for those things (same with moving furniture). I see it as something I 'should' do. I also like to be needed, to pull my weight, to have a clear role in a working group, and I think doing tasks together strengthens a relationship (although, many times it also highlights the differences, which may not be so comfortable. I like seeing differences and trying to work out how to each change to accommodate... this is not something many people enjoy, Mr E included). So there are a few things for me to unpack and deal with there. Looks like a busy day and weekend and maybe a while longer as I sort through all of that. But having identified it, written it, and thought about it, my fury and rage has simmered to just discomfort so I'm well on my way to dealing with my triggers.
And yes, I could walk out and start helping. I'm a little tempted to do that, but a few things are stopping me.
1. He has his earbuds in and is listening to a podcast, so there'd be no casual conversation.
2. His method of putting things together is so pedantic and structured, I would go insane.
3. He's happy doing this himself, without my interruptions, chatter and suggestions.
4. I have to deal with my issues, not force myself where I'm not needed or wanted. It really makes no difference who puts the damn thing together, does it? If it turned up already made, I'd be perfectly happy. So, it's a 'me' issue. I need to deal with my shit. And what better way of dealing with it than to spill my guts for the world to see! ARGH! However, fearless and Friday.
Do you have triggers? How do you deal with them?
I'm tired as I write this, so I apologise if I ramble.
I don't know if what I'm speaking about is shamanic in nature, or just bits I've picked up and lumped into this post, but I've found lately a deep sense of power within myself. At the same time, there's also a deep sense of wobbliness within me too. I want to try to explore that a little.
When I look at young kids, their sense of power within themselves is rather strong, especially if it's been allowed to develop. So young kids who dress themselves, wear whatever feels most comfortable for them regardless of colour, trends, where they're going or what they're doing, sometimes even without considering the weather. They have a power of creation. A power of self. And it's not yet tainted by expectation.
Somewhere along the way, that sense of self is changed to a sense of style. Kids begin to wear what's trending, what's suitable, what's required. It's exacerbated by uniforms that may be required at school or sport or other activities. The sense of self is lost, and you conform (to some degree or other).
This doesn't just occur with dress sense. It occurs in so many aspects of our life (or my life anyway).
I have places where I haven't really conformed at all, and places where I have.
I have scars, some big and some small, from where my sense of self was ridiculed or squished into a box, or somehow made to feel lesser.
Reflecting on this, I can see the damage seemingly innocuous comments made. Damage that still persists. A still raw wound that gets the scab knocked off if someone says something similar now. I'm plunged back to the little me and the hurt I felt when I realised how far away from 'normality' I was.
But I also see how often I can utter to a child similar words to what was said to me. Why am I perpetuating this hurt? Why am I continuing the pain that I'm suffering? Why can't I rejoice in uniqueness and individuality and encourage it?
I think we've become 'indoctrinated' (for want of a better word) to believe that we're assisting people by helping them fit into the 'norm'. In actually fact, I think we need to be encouraging youth to break from the norm.
In some ways, I think this is happening in each successive generation but I'm not sure it's a mindful decision or more a gut-instinct or kick-back approach.
I don't have kids, so I have the time and space when around them to observe, think, and cross correlate what I see with what I experienced. I also have some space to reflect and churn all these thoughts around to see how they fit (or don't fit).
So, today I'm wondering about how I can honour the power within myself. How can I comfort the little girl in me who is hurt by others' comments, criticisms, and expectations? How can I look at the wounds and allow them to properly heal and not just scab over in temporary healing that will be knocked open again? How can I regain my power and be a non-conformist who is still able to function in this society and the world?
I don't have answers but I needed to get the thoughts out of my head so I was free to explore them a bit deeper. Blogging tends to allow me to clear this path and work a bit further on an issue. So here's to more thoughts about non-conforming!
Also, while I'm thinking about this, I've been reading Women Who Run With Wolves by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estés and in a chapter I just finished, she mentioned that often a sexual exploration/release is a way to open up further and develop more (she was talking about laughing and giggling at 'smutty' things and how women often giggle and release problems when they can be crude and honest)...as I read that, I wondered if that is what my erotic writing allowed. I did all that exploration of fetishes, etc way back, and began writing all sorts of things on this blog that allowed me to open and explore further. I think it's quite wonderful that I allowed that part of me to extend and explore while I still struggled with the conforming and 'being proper' other part of myself. However, it is all me - the conforming and the non-conforming parts.
I'm just back from the annual RWA Conference, this year it was in Melbourne. It's such an incredible weekend of information, friends, networking, catching up on industry news, meeting people, talking, and all sorts of book/writing things.
My Fearlessness has taken me into territory that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to, and beyond!
This is our cover and blurb.
I follow lots of photographers on Instagram because they're awesome and photography is something I love. Most of the ones I follow dive or snorkel or spend time in/near water. Some of them take these incredible wave photos...and I've been trying to capture this sort of a shot - and failing!
My camera isn't flash. It's just a point and click but it goes underwater; an Olympus TG-5. I love it, but I'm probably pushing it to its limits with what I'm trying to do (wave photos and night astrophotography seem to have limits!), but I'm not giving up yet.
I'm learning more about my camera, and I'm totally having a ball in the surf. So I'm going to keep trying and one day, I might nail something cool!
Where has the last month gone? I have no clue at all. The days just fly by.
