I dropped off the earth for a while - or so it seems anyway.
Sorry to leave the blog unattended. How have you been? How are you coping with lockdown/COVID/life in a pandemic?
I've realised something that I've always known, but somehow it was never important before. I have a lot of friends overseas. I've always kept in touch with them in random sporadic times, but lately, it's been a WhatsApp chat every few weeks, a Facebook message weekly, some way of getting in touch to make sure they're okay (we're okay; because they're checking on me too). It's odd to go from once a year contact, to much more frequent. Most of these friends I've been friends with for many many years. In some cases nearly 30 years. It's weird to think that we've always kept in touch, for 30 years, and sometimes our paths crossed only briefly. But these people are important, even if they live across many oceans! Do you have connections like that too?
Oops! I didn't come here to muse about friendships. I was coming to speak of fantasies. I've been thinking a lot about them recently. I've been writing a strange story where many people are fucking one person. And as I write each scene, I'm completely surprised by what comes out of my fingers/brain. I have a character name, maybe a bit of a story for them from an introduction chapter I started with, but it's bare bones. So then I put them in a room alone with the sexual receiver...and I see where it goes.
Mostly I let things flow because once my brain comes in and starts censoring, then all writing stops. I have 3 or 4 scenes written now, and my brain is having a bit of a melt down. The things I've written, it's wondering where they've come from. Do I really have such fantasies?
Consciously, I didn't think so...but subconsciously, I must have entertained the idea at some stage to write it.
How do I feel about that?
Well, there's two of me here to answer that!
One of me says: Holy shit. You freak. How the hell can you come up with that shit? You don't want people to know that you know/think about this stuff. Remember when you shocked XYZ with that other scene? Remember when so-and-so said this about you. Stop! Stop! Stop for god's sake.
The other part of me goes: Well, fuck, that's a bit tame. Why didn't you take it further? And how come you stopped there? And does she really only want one partner, couldn't;t we do a few more in here, and if not people then sex toys? You've gotta make this juicy. Get some more stuff in here. Now.
And that's my fantasy life to a tee. One part of me is slamming the brakes on hard, while the other part is trying to jam down that accelerator and get going as crazy as possible.
And that there is why my brain struggles to write. This to and fro inside my head is always happening. It drives me crazy!
One day, if you're shocked by anything I write, remember this post and know that there's a part of me who is also so shocked they want to crawl away and hide!