Fearless Friday - vaccines

I was thinking that vaccines fitting the phallic Friday mode because of that pointy insertion thing (big grin) but then I noticed my last post was Fearless and on a similar topic, so I'm on the Fearless one...but still thinking about the pointy, pokey, insertion thing.

I'm in a very strange land. Not just living in NSW where the Delta strain of Covid took off and spread (to other parts of NSW and Aus), but also because I've a science training but I live mostly in the woo-woo lands now. Covid has really pushed buttons for me and made me face a lot of things.

My science training should have me all gung-ho about medicine...but my science training also taught me to read between the lines, look for the raw data, see the evidence, question everything.

My life has also made me somewhat of a skeptic about blindly following the 'pharmaceuticals have an answer/cure for everything' creed that seems to be somewhat rife in society. This isn't a recent thing, in high school females get a Rubella vaccination (to stop you getting German Measles if you fall pregnant). I don't suppose this is compulsory, but I was a kid so it wasn't my decisions. So, 120 girls line up to get their shot. 119 girls merrily go back to school without any issue. 1 kid, yep me, goes home and spends 2 weeks sick with german measles. This is my first memory of medicine and me not quite seeing eye-to-eye.

I've had a couple of flu vaccines in my life - and been sick afterwards. One doctor even suggested that I'd probably be better not having them. Thank you Doc :)

In my 30s, I got Ross River Fever and Glandular fever, which led to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. CFS has made me super super sensitive to so many things (or maybe CFS made me aware of my super sensitivity). I make choices all the time - noisy restuarant or take away? trust someone else's cooking (I can't do gluten) or cook myself? walk or work? family visit or much needed rest after busy week? buy clothes or have acupuncture? buy frivilous household item or buy chinese herbs? The list is endless.

So then we come to the Covid vaccine question. 

Everything I've read about covid (plus a family memebr having it) lets me know it's similar to Ross River Fever, and Long Covid is like CFS. I know what these are like; I don't want them (again).

But vaccines and me! I would love to be a foster carer of bats (I used to do it back in the old days) but you need to be vaccinated to do it. I decided against risking that vaccination, so I no longer care for bats. It was a tough decision to make, but the best one for me (I think).

After thinking long and hard, and reading anything scientific I could lay my hands on, I made a few decisions. One was that I would wait for spring until getting vaccinated because I wanted to be healthy before having it, and winter isn't the best time for my health.

Then Sydney got the Delta strain sweeping through...and outwards. As it came closer, Mr E began to worry and pester me about getting vaccinated - any time, any vaccine, just get it done. It was the media and government push too. And it was saturating. Everywhere I turned the same message was being hammered in (and turning was mostly on social media and TV/radio because we were in lockdown). 

I'd made my decision and it was bloody hard to stick to it with communal fear and peer pressure, along with government messaging, being incessant. But I know my body. I know what's best for me. And I knew I had to wait until spring.

And then vaccination being compulsory got thrown around. That really got my back up. As someone who had made my own independent decision and assessment, and I was only waiting, I felt for those who'd made a decision not to be vaccinated. The pressure was (and is) horrendous.

I don't care why people have made a decision to remain unvaccinated. That's their call and their decision. They feel they need to make that decision for their body, then I'm not judging. I've made similar decisions for other vaccines. To lose your right to choice, is a big step for humanity, and not one I'm happy to take. So each to their own.

But with each passing day, the pressure to override my personal choice was huge.

Thank goodness for a few supportive people around me who were calm, clear-headed, and listened to my reasoning. It was reassuring for someone to say, "Oh, you've thought about this then." I mean, usually such a sceptical comment would have my back up, but this was pretty much the best I could get so I had to take it! LOL!

I don't live in a city. I don't consider that I'm remote either. But the GPs here didn't get much supply. When they did, they prioritised those in retail and others. And I applauded that. If the virus got into the retail workers, our little town would have all been affected by covid because we all go to at least one of those shops daily. 

I rang a couple of times to see if the vaccination appointments were open yet - and was told no. And then, after a few weeks, one of the ladies said I could fill in the paperwork, drop it in, and be on the waiting list. Perfect. I did that. 

Unexpectedly, I got a cancellation and got my first shot a month ago. 3 weeks later, my second shot. I wish I could tell you that all was well...but it's me and my precious, sensitive body. When I was up for #2, the Dr asked how we'd all gone with #1 - yep, only me affected. There was maybe 15-20 people in the group (we had group, outdoor vaccinations - incredible for community spirit!).

So, in the last month, this is how I've been:

• 6 full days in bed doing preety much nothing but sleep and stagger to the loo
• 8 full days where I managed to do some of the day job, but had naps, and didn't manage to cook dinner
• 4 days at 'picking up' level

In that time, I've drunk an ocean of water, taken pain killers, slept with my arm on a soft pillow, had more Ross River flash-backs and pain than you'd ever want. Where I had been walking most days, this past month, I've done maybe 4 walks (mostly shorter than usual). I just don't have any energy to spare.

So, more than half of the last month, I've been "sick". The rest of the month, I've been "getting better". I made a choice to do this to myself. It wasn't an easy choice. The last month has been hell on my mental health (on top of the lockdown and general insanity of the world) and my physical health. Over the past 16 years with CFS, I've worked my arse off to be as healthy as I possible can be, and I needed every single trick I've learned to remain as healthy as I have during this past month.

Vaccination should never be compulsory.

I can't imagine how I'd have healed if I hadn't have been allowed to make the choice to take those jabs myself. 

For those who, like Mr E, find vaccinations a minor inconvenience, I hope you can appreciate another side to that story. 

I wouldn't wish the last month on anyone. But years of having covid/long covid, no thanks. I've done that with another virus, and I doubt I could go through that again. This past month has been a reminder enough.

And that's my vaccination story. I'm almost a week past #2 and in the 'picking up' stage. Hopefully, I can keep healing and soon be back to how I was a month ago! Fingers crossed. I miss my photo walks.

Phallic Friday - dimples

I'm not sure if this is a Phallic or a Fearless Friday post... butt dimples.

During this past week, I met someone who I stood behind for a substantial period of time. She was wearing a backless pair of overalls, so I had a full view of her beck from hairline right down to just above her butt crack. And she had dimples above the edge of the overalls. They sat, perfectly proportioned, on either sides of her spine, and they captivated me.

And yes, I felt like an idiot! 

I can't logically explain why I was so captivated. 

She was fine boned, slim but with light musculature. Her back was lovely, as in. I could appreciate her unblemished skin and lithe body. And that's usually where my thoughts would have ended... except for these freaking dimples.

They danced, calling to my eyes. Or maybe it was the fabric, a few centimetres beneath them, that framed them enough to keep my attention coming back to them.

I rarely take photos of people... but I wanted to photograph her back. I wanted to capture the play of muscles, and the movement of flesh. But a photograph may never have been enough, I would have needed to video. I would probably have needed to touch, to see how deeply these indentations were embedded (they didn't look all that deep). If I touched, where would that have taken me? Would my thumbs have fitted perfectly into these indentations as I held her for me... for someone else...?

And why were these freaking dimples so enthralling?

Was it because they were on a woman, with her petite frame? Was it just the clothing drawing attention to them? Was it just so unexpected in the venue I was at? Has COVID had me so isolated I've forgotten what different bodies look like?

I haven't written in a very long time, but those dimples made me want to write about them - as well as photograph them. And in an even weirder experience, the story idea that came with dimples was about a lady with these same dimples, and her lady's maid who lusts after them for years until she's caught staring at them by the lady's new husband...all of this in an historical setting.

Which reminds me of a psychic reading I had many years ago, where my fame would come with a select few historical romance novels.

And all this has thrown my equilibrium.

So, how's your week been? Any dimples on the scene, throwing out of alignment your world?

Phallic Friday - sex, shame, and rape

In Australia, the news this past week has been filled with the story of a young woman working in Parliament House being raped 2 years ago, and the lack of support she received which ultimately led to her losing the career she'd been working towards.

To add to the horror, 3 more women have accused the same man of raping them, also in Parliament House, before this publicised rape occurred. 

A systemic problem is highlighted and reinforced three times over. In our highest place of work--the Parliament. What kind of example does that set for Australian society?

A comment was made by someone on TV about the shame associated with rape. Mr E says, "Surely in this day and age, a women shouldn't feel ashamed of being raped?"

And yes, I get where he's coming from (that rape has less stigma attached to it than 30 years ago when we were young) BUT he waved a red flag at this bull. Poor man. I don't think he ever realises how deeply I think about everything.

"Of course there's still shame associated with rape. There's still shame associated with sex."

"How?" he asks.

And off I go! Actually, I was rather restrained because I had to bite my tongue a little and not spill all the bitterness and anger I've been working my way through over the last decade.

I mentioned sex workers and their treatment during covid. When he wasn't convinced, I brought the example to the personal.

"Look at Cate Ellink," I said. "People still don't want to know she exists. They still don't acknowledge her books, won't talk to her on social media. Why? Because she writes sex. Sex is shameful. That message may be lessening but it's still reinforced in society all the time. And women still get called 'slutty' for clothes they wear. Women still hear that they 'incite men to sex' and other crap. Shame underlies everything about sex. Until we can speak openly about sex, rape will always happen because of the shame associated with the abuse of power and the unwanted sex act itself that women have been conditioned to believe they incited." Maybe I was more mad rambling than that. I'm not good at remembering verbatim!

Rape is an horrific act of violence perpetrated by, in this case, a man in a position of power on a young and vulnerable woman. 

Rape can happen in any circumstance, by any combination of gender. It's about power. Abhorrent disregard for another person. It's abuse--physical and emotional. 

The conversation, however, became personal. It highlighted how much hurt I still carry about something far less invasive than rape. I have worked through a lot of it, but there are still pangs there. My issues are insignificant compared with those of a rape victim. Yet, I hurt.

When I wrote my first erotic work, in my 20s, no one in my 'real' life ever saw it. I shared it with a few trusted people online, who had encouraged me to speak freely about sex. If I hadn't fallen into the community of online people who accepted sex as a normal part of life, and encouraged me to explore it, I don't know if I would have ever changed my narrow views of sex that my conservative upbringing had given me.

It took me 20 years to develop enough courage to allow my erotic writing a public viewing.

It's taken me another 10 years to be at a point where the hurt and anger at people's reactions to my public viewing has lessened enough that I can speak calmly and rationally and not bottle it up in a bitter stew brewing inside me.

Society moves slowly at times--sometimes even more slowly than me! That's because society is made up of individuals, and a large number of people need to work through a change in mindset (or agree with a viewpoint) before the ball rolls on change. 

People can't change their mindset without knowing that there are other ways to think.

And to know there are other ways to think, those who think differently need to be publicly vocal. They need to stand tall and proud and give voice to what they know as their truth.

That is terrifying. For me anyway.

To stand in a shitstorm of public opinion, and cop whatever crazy abuse people sling at you, takes a huge amount of courage. I always admire people who can do that.

The young woman who publicly spoke of her rape, and all the people who speak of their assaults, are so incredibly brave, powerful, courageous and thoroughly deserving of my gratitude and admiration, even if that seems paltry and insignificant.

A saying keeps nagging at me - if I won't speak out, who will?

And so I'm making a small blog post here. I spoke a few sentences to Mr E. I stand by my Cate Ellink name and books, proudly (but quietly). It's not enough, but I'm not yet brave enough to do more.

I am a work in progress.

Phallic Friday - toxic masculinity

I've been having thoughts about Toxic Masculinity and I wanted to get them out of my head and ramble about them here.

Our patriarchal society has long bred this extreme form of masculinity by minimising/belittling the feminine. As the power of the feminine is rising, there is going to be some who wish to quash this as they still see feminine qualities/traits as secondary, lesser, less than them.

I think this is some of the force behind the changes in the world as I'm seeing it today.

COVID-19 has made the world stop. It's taken away a lot of structures that held the global economy (power) in place. It's highlighting aspects of society that aren't working. We are being forced to think about people (caring), health (nurturing), supporting those in need. These are all quite feminine traits (in the strict sense of the dual/polar society we live in). In the past, these traits have seen less pay for those in nursing and care professions. As a result of COVID, will we now begin to value these professions, and make changes to pay structures accordingly? It'll be fascinating to see.

The USA is another hotbed of issues. Minority groups are finding their voice. A man who I think exhibits many of the toxic masculine traits is refusing to accept loss, after years of having a place of power...where some believe he abused that office. It's an interesting power play to watch from afar - even though global repercussions may occur, and in that way I'm not so distant. To me, this situation embodies the global power play where masculine and feminine energies are reaching a new area of balance.

In the 1990s, I worked with a Canadian who was here to do her PhD or post-doc research. I remember her saying that in Canada, the power imbalance between men and women was not as obvious as she saw it here in Australia. I was shocked by that, I thought we weren't too bad. Then she said that it was far worse in the USA, which was one of the reason she'd come here. I didn't really understand what she was saying, never having spent any time in the USA and not having been to Canada, but 30 years later, I wonder if others have seen what she saw so long ago, and are trying to change that imbalance, not just in gender inequality.

I watched an interview (https://www.leeharrisenergy.com/podcast#section-1605132491191) recently with a woman (https://suzymiller.com/) working with autistic children. The data she gave about autism blew my mind. She said in the (I think) the 1980s, autism affected 1 in 10 000 children. Today, those figures are 1 in 54.

1 in 54? How did that change so drastically?

She said that generally, autistic children are more perceptive and intuitive (both traditionally feminine traits) and yet many are male children. She thinks that these children are here to help change the world. And I have to agree with her. If there are THAT many children who aren't 'fitting in' to societies' structures, then society structures will have to shift and change.

If these children are exhibiting more of the shunned feminine traits, then the masculine-feminine imbalance in society will need to shift to accommodate these drastic changes in the population. 

I may not see this in my lifetime, but I hope I do. I think it'll happen quickly. These kids will need the world changed as they grow up and try to find a place in the world (within the next 20 years)... and there's a virus that's affecting the whole world and making us change how we work. How coincidental :)

I think this outrage we're seeing from so much of the toxic masculine energy, may be it's death throes. Although, it's persisted for a long long time. I hate saying it, but I think there may be more of a fight before the feminine can be balanced better. And yes, putting this in text, "out there" makes me a target, I know. I don't want to be a target. I don't want to poke my head up to be seen. But I also want to speak my truth, say what I see, have a little light shining from me. So these words are here.

I love this world. I love all the incredible, fascinating things about nature, the earth, people, animals, birds, insects, etc etc. I love the feel of the sunshine, the rain and the wind, of energy changing, of shifts and adjustments. I love the intellectual challenge of working out how and why. This is my little space to share myself. I love having it...even as it challenges me!

Phallic Friday - fantasies and writing

I dropped off the earth for a while - or so it seems anyway.

Sorry to leave the blog unattended. How have you been? How are you coping with lockdown/COVID/life in a pandemic?

I've realised something that I've always known, but somehow it was never important before. I have a lot of friends overseas. I've always kept in touch with them in random sporadic times, but lately, it's been a WhatsApp chat every few weeks, a Facebook message weekly, some way of getting in touch to make sure they're okay (we're okay; because they're checking on me too). It's odd to go from once a year contact, to much more frequent. Most of these friends I've been friends with for many many years. In some cases nearly 30 years. It's weird to think that we've always kept in touch, for 30 years, and sometimes our paths crossed only briefly. But these people are important, even if they live across many oceans! Do you have connections like that too?

Oops! I didn't come here to muse about friendships. I was coming to speak of fantasies. I've been thinking a lot about them recently. I've been writing a strange story where many people are fucking one person. And as I write each scene, I'm completely surprised by what comes out of my fingers/brain. I have a character name, maybe a bit of a story for them from an introduction chapter I started with, but it's bare bones. So then I put them in a room alone with the sexual receiver...and I see where it goes.

Mostly I let things flow because once my brain comes in and starts censoring, then all writing stops. I have 3 or 4 scenes written now, and my brain is having a bit of a melt down. The things I've written, it's wondering where they've come from. Do I really have such fantasies?

Consciously, I didn't think so...but subconsciously, I must have entertained the idea at some stage to write it.

How do I feel about that?

Well, there's two of me here to answer that!

One of me says: Holy shit. You freak. How the hell can you come up with that shit? You don't want people to know that you know/think about this stuff. Remember when you shocked XYZ with that other scene? Remember when so-and-so said this about you. Stop! Stop! Stop for god's sake.

The other part of me goes: Well, fuck, that's a bit tame. Why didn't you take it further? And how come you stopped there? And does she really only want one partner, couldn't;t we do a few more in here, and if not people then sex toys? You've gotta make this juicy. Get some more stuff in here. Now.

And that's my fantasy life to a tee. One part of me is slamming the brakes on hard, while the other part is trying to jam down that accelerator and get going as crazy as possible.

And that there is why my brain struggles to write. This to and fro inside my head is always happening. It drives me crazy!

One day, if you're shocked by anything I write, remember this post and know that there's a part of me who is also so shocked they want to crawl away and hide!

Phallic Friday - workshops

The South Coast Writers Centre and Wollongong Library have been hosting an Erotic Writing workshop for the last few weeks, and tonight is our 3rd session.

For the first 2 weeks, we discussed excerpts, articles, and the bad sex awards. The first week we focussed on erotica, but since most of the people were writing romance, the second week we looked at romance sex scenes (sexy and erotic stories). It's been a lot of fun - I've enjoyed discussing sex scene writing with like-minded souls.

We've talked about taboos. And discussed how some subjects (e.g. In The Romance of Lust, which was written in the 1870s, the main theme is incest) and how reader perspectives change with time. One participant noted that 20 years ago she may have just felt it was ick, but now in the time of #MeToo and the prevalence of child abuse discussions, it made her sick to read it. I wonder if it would even be published today?

These conversations have been so rewarding, thought-provoking, and fresh. I don;t think I have words to describe how freeing it is to sit around and discuss sex scenes with people who are keen, interested, and have well-thought-through opinions on sex in society and in literature.

We haven't done any writing or sharing as yet. So this week, I've a bunch of writing prompts to kick us off to writing our own sex scenes.

But I ran into an issue with getting prompts. Sex writing and reading and inspiration has become so accessible with computers and devices, that I didn't really think through the whole issue of how to have photos available, sitting on the table for inspiration. We don't have any photo places near us, only big stores with photo kiosk things. And those touch screens you have to use to get your photos printed...well, everyone sees them. See my issue?

I wrangled it so I could print when Mr E was with me. We could then both stand in front of the screen so no one accidentally got an eyeful. But he's hasty, and he clicked on the T&C before I could read them, and I blurted out (in a hushed whisper), "Wait, I wanted to check it was legal for me to print these." I thought Mr E was going to bolt. But he hung in there, and I hoped that our covering up the screen and the printing collection box, would keep us out of trouble. And it did!

So, I'm off to the workshop armed with writing prompts!

And next Friday, I'm doing a workshop on Shame with Lee Kofman as part of the Wollongong Writers Festival. I think I need to work on my shame!

Phallic Friday - erotic literature

I'm teaching a workshop about erotic writing in October and November and in preparation I thought I'd go through some of the erotic literature I own and pull out some excerpts to discuss.

When we moved into this smaller house, I had to downsize my book collection. If you're a book-lover (hoarder), you might know what a challenging task this is. I couldn't part with my erotic collection and so I hid it in the garage in a chest of drawers, where Mr E would never notice it and would never know that I remained a dreadful book hoarder.

I thought I had a few books, maybe 6 or 8. Ahem. I underestimated. Quite considerably. There were almost 40 books there, a few more remained on the shelves in the house. I was thinking of taking the books to the workshop, but I'll need a huge suitcase to lug them in!

I'm so glad I squirrelled them away. It was like being reunited with old friends. And how much fun am I going to have going through them and finding excerpts. I may have to read some of my favourites again.

Do you book hoard? Do you have favourite old book friends?


PS I have to say how much this blog has meant to me. Over the past 8 years, I've expressed myself on here, opening myself up to all manner of discussions, thoughts, ideas, challenges. I've been able to do that without much fear (because I don't advertise this blog, so very few people read it - thank you to those who do MWAH!), with time to think, research, and write sometimes with regularity and sometime spasmodically. Having this presence here has taught me so much about myself, made me push beyond my comfort zone, and get me to a place where I feel comfortable talking about sex, writing, erotic writing, and many related topics. I wouldn't be doing workshops, and loving doing them, if it wasn't for my blog journey. Thank you for being a champion, a teacher, a discipline, and a space for my growth. Thank you blog readers for being on my journey with me.

Phallic Friday - sex ed

I'm in the last week of my OWL for RWA (ie an online writing workshop for Romance Writers of Australia) on Getting Comfortable Writing Sex. I can't begin to tell you how exciting it's been...and when I put it into words, I sound kind of nutty, but let me try.

18 people signed up for it. I thought it might be just me, so that was a relief.

Not many of them have been interactive, but 2 people have been really chatty. We've discussed published sex scenes - about 10 - and looked at what's worked and doesn't work for them.

We had a discussion about word choices, which was really interesting. There are so many words that people find objectional/offensive/uncomfortable. And everyone's different with their tolerance levels too. Such a great discussion.

Both people who've been active, have had lightbulb moments (what a thrill for me). Both have written a sex scene and shared it. Both have stretched where they thought their comfort zone was. One has taken the feedback and written more sex scenes that have so much more in them, that it's fantastic to see that development. The other has gone back to look at spicing up their whole manuscript because they enjoyed writing their first sex scene. Can you believe that?

Never in my wildest dreams did I hope that my course could have that impact - okay, maybe in the wildest dreams, but not the realistic ones! And I'm thrilled. We haven't done anything except read and discuss published sex scenes. But these writers have been open-minded, willing to discuss and push their boundaries, and I'm so grateful for their enthusiasm and openness.

I've taken a bit of a leap of faith, and I'm running a similar course with a face-to-face group with writers in general (not romance writers). The leap of faith is that I've only asked for a guarantee of petrol money, no payment for a 4-6 week course. Funding was applied for, and apparently this course was quite a volatile proposal that caused much debate. Should public money be used to fund sex? In the end, the answer was no.

Even if it's not funding sex, apparently writing sex scenes is still the same as funding sex.

I'm a little sad about that.

But it's not unexpected. There's an article on the ABC News website today, written by a 20-year-old, about the lack of sex education/discussion in society (you can read it here). And I just finished watching a TV series on SBS called The Hunting, (you can watch it here), where the theme was sexting and lack of discussion/education around this topic (also the law, patriarchy, racism, and other riling topics were touched upon, and sometimes not resolved much to my annoyance). SBS has also put out an education package to help with people who want to help discuss the sexting issues with kids/teens/others (you can find that here).

I hope things might change in the future, and that sex may not be such a taboo topic that we shun it or shy away from thinking about it or presenting/discussing available information.

And I hope one day that I might be able to receive funding and payment for a writing course, even if it discusses writing sex scenes!

Did you watch The Hunting? 

Fearless Friday

Where has the last month gone? I have no clue at all. The days just fly by.

I have a few things for this post...no wonder, if it's been a month!

NEW BOOK
I have A Real Online Fantasy Parts 1 & 2 online now! Yipee! For a short time, it's even free. So if you'd like to download it, please do.

You can grab it from your favourite store by clicking here:

books2read.com/u/4DOaLr

BLOG POST 

My other self wrote a story for an anthology with Kim Petersen and Beth Prentice. Kim has a blog where she's honest about herself and her life. She asked me to write a post for her site and so, I went with honesty. It's easier to be honest as Cate. So I'm a bit scared about this one, but anyway :) I'm owning it!

https://whisperinginkpress.com/2019/05/16/becoming-whole/

INTERESTING ARTICLE

Teenagers and sex.

This article is saying something I've read before - that teenagers are highly influenced by porn. And not just highly influenced about sex... but confused about consent. 

Porn, a scripted film, does not show discussion, consent, or even 'realistic sex' but do kids know that? It appears that they don't. 

For so long, sex has been such a taboo topic, that people don't discuss it at all. This leads to people finding out about sex my whatever means they can. How did you discover sex? For me, it was via animals and nature. There was a conversation about sex after a sex ed video shown at school, but my questions were a little too confronting and I was sent to my room without answers. And really, asking if a man's penis is different to a dog's is not such a shock, is it?

So, if kids these days are getting information about sex from the internet - which is a pretty handy tool for information gathering - and no one is speaking about sex, then how do they know if what they find is 'real' or 'misinformation'? 

I'm so glad there are people going to schools to discuss sex honestly with kids. I wonder if they'd take an erotic author on the school chat tour? That's something I'd love to do.

Thanks for reading today. I'll try to get back to more regular blogging!

Phallic Friday - female genital mutilation

This incredible article was on the ABC news website last Friday, it's about a doctor in Australia who is reversing female genital mutilation.

I didn't even realise this was possible, and yet it's been around in France for 15 years. Sadly, there are few surgeons who have learned the techniques. But it seems that those who have done the training are truly beautiful human beings and are about caring for all.

This article is so moving at the same time as it is horrifying.

The moving part is about the doctor and his quest for helping others. The fact that other surgeons go to Africa to help people there. The fact that the first woman to receive assistance in Australia has had such a life-changing experience. The way this article is written to give others information.

The horrifying part is that Female Genital Mutilation happens. That it is not only a cultural practice but one practiced because of religious beliefs too. That doctors perform this on young children. That women think it's fine to do this to their baby. That some women don't even know this procedure occurred. That surgeons don't seem to think it is worth doing this training, or discussing this procedure, or helping women.

I hope all forms of genital mutilation can one day be stopped, and used only as a medical procedure when a person is suffering.

Phallic Friday - definition of pornography

Back to a Phallic post today because I saw this interesting article on the ABC website on Monday this week, discussing pornography and the current definition (or lack thereof) and a proposed new definition.

The article is written by researchers from Monash University, Melbourne, and since one woman is a PhD candidate, I'm guessing it's her PhD project. What a neat topic!?

The lack of a definition for pornography is something that I've noticed. People often ask why is what I write called erotic and not porn. The first time I was asked this, I was a bit floored. I said that I wasn't writing to arouse, but to explore a relationship fully, including the sexual relationship. It was my understanding that the primary purpose of pornography was arousal. My primary purpose in writing erotic romance is to tell a story and delve into a relationship. My primary purpose writing erotica is to use words to describe a sexual act. When I write erotica, I'm a little more focussed on the arousal aspect that with a romance, because I'm playing with words to create a mood/feeling.

The major point of the article is that in any of the current ways of defining porn, consent is not mentioned. In fact, many instances where consent is obviously missing, are still referred to as porn, when in fact they should be termed as a "sexual abuse". For example, child porn has no consent (because a child cannot give consent) and should be termed child sexual abuse. Revenge porn, is an act of revenge where one part of a broken relationship releases sexual information without the other's (or others')  consent. Rather than labelling this porn, it should be termed online sexual abuse.

The researchers say that changing definitions, and word choices, can be a powerful instigator of social change.

I love this article. I hope it gets a lot of air time, because these word choices do make a huge difference.

Thanks for the research Monash University, Sarah Ashton, and Dr Maggie Kirkman, Senior Research Fellow, School of Public Health and Preventive Medicine.

Phallic Friday - a writing course idea

It's not often I have an idea and am propelled to go through with it, almost immediately, but that happened this week.

I saw that RWA were advertising for courses for next year. Writing courses, professional development, things writers might like. I almost skimmed over it and then my brain went 'ping!' Just like that, an idea popped into my head.

Usually I discuss my ideas with people, lose motivation when I think it through further, and talk myself out of it.

Not this time.

This time, I fleshed out my idea. I wrote it down. It just spilled out of me. I didn't show anyone - so it's probably nuts! - but I sent it off anyway.

My idea? Running a course called "Getting Comfortable Writing Sex".

I don't think sex scenes are more difficult to write than any other part of a romance novel - but exposing yourself, your intimate thoughts is incredibly hard. I've been on this blog for years now, writing on many Fridays about sex, so I can write in public, get used to exposing my mind, my intimate thoughts. And the catch is that I don't promote my blog! I write for me. I write in public, but really it's quite private (except for you Lily, and I think Joy). And this blog is what has given me the courage to write raunchy books then send them out into the world (and rarely read the reviews).

So, I thought a group of people talking openly, freely, about sex, might help other people. It might free up some of the fears so that writing sex and publishing those words, wasn't quite as terrifying.

It could be a space to learn about things, if that's what people need. Goodness knows, I've learned a lot writing the blogs - especially the fetish ones! And erotic authors are generous in their knowledge, so I'm sure if I needed, I could ask someone to come and give expert advice.

And if this idea doesn't fly, then maybe I can do it myself. Do you reckon a place to talk freely about writing sex scenes, and to share your writing, would help writers?

Phallic Friday - perimenopause

The ABC had a great article about perimenopause - you can find it here.

For me, it's one of those things I've had to go through before I heard anything about it. And my mum's not alive, so I couldn't even ask her about it. I did ask Dad, but since Mum had cancer before her death, all the cancer and treatments had wiped out any hormonal issues. So, I had to stumble along myself, asking people along the way.

Which keeps making me ask, "Why didn't I know about this?"

My sex education wasn't great as a kid, and as an adult I did biology at uni and quite considerably broadened my knowledge...but I still thought menopause just 'happened'.

I didn't understand that it wasn't like a tap turning off, more like a slow, run down of hormones! :) It's been a struggle to manage all the changes, mentally as well as physically. Sleeping patterns for me are challenging. At the moment, Mr E had a single doona on his half of the bed, while I have three blankets that come on and off as required. And that's something that changes through each night. I may start off with 3 and chuck 1 off, then another, then pull one back on, or two, or throw them all off. How on earth can you sleep properly when your thermo-regulation is screwed!?

Anyway, if you're struggling with your body, and aged between 35 and 55, start thinking hormonal changes. And start talking to people so you don't think you're going crazy! It seems anything can be 'normal'.

Phallic Friday - sex and illness

I saw this post last Saturday on the ABC website - http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-09-22/impact-of-cancer-on-sex-not-talked-about-enough/10286392 - about cancer, sex and intimacy.

It interested me initially because it was about some doctors not discussing impacts of illness/treatment on sexuality. This is a really important factor, not just with cancer, but with any illness.

If you're struggling with your health, you're struggling with your body. You may also be struggling with energy levels. And/or you may battling other symptoms or problems.

At times when you're in crisis, sex isn't something that may interest you. Sometimes you need to be relaxed, and in tune with yourself to be able to participate fully in sex.

What astounds me is that some people/doctors don't see it as a point that should be discussed before decisions are made. Maybe the woman in question was 'unlucky' and had a doctor who couldn't discuss sex with her...the article doesn't give us any statistics.

What the article does show is a gender bias - but is that real or just the portrayal in the article? Or is it not gender bias per se, but a functional thing? Or is it a long-standing gender bias where most medical research has previously been focussed on male bodies and not female bodies, particularly in genital areas? Does a doctor realise that function of a penis may be compromised when certain areas are affected, but does not think about a similar impact in women because of the 'hidden' nature of female genitalia?

The article poses a lot of interesting questions. I wonder if there's much research done on the topic.

Does anyone know?

Phallic Friday - anthers

This isn't my typical Phallic Friday post, but allow me to explain. I've been having a bit of a time photographing anthers lately.

Anthers are the pollen producing section of the male reproductive system of a flower.

The stamen is the name given to the whole male part, which comprises a filament (stalk) and an anther (oval shaped part with pollen).

They seem to be attracting my attention this spring.