Friday, January 26, 2018

Phallic Friday: Bad sex

I've just read the most incredible, well argued article about sex and the disparity between male sex and female sex. I had to write some thoughts.

The arguments presented in this article about women's expectations of pain, and their equating of bad sex with pain, and linking that to loss of virginity are quite blindingly obvious when pointed out. 

I think this needs to go further too. Women often don't know 'good' sex. For a male, orgasming is easy as there's an appendage there, waiting to be tugged upon, easily accessible and you can see the results of an orgasm. For women, this is so much more difficult.

You grow up, or I did at least, being told not to touch your gentitals, not to explore 'down there', and an orgasm was never well described. When I explored my body, I had no clue if what was pleasure was an orgasm or just pleasure. When I lost my virginity, I still wasn't entirely sure if I'd orgasmed or just felt good. I was a few years past lost virginity before I met a guy who knew a hell of a lot more about women's bodies than I did. He knew a hell of a lot more about sex than I did, and he introduced me to sexual openness, good sex, asking for what you wanted, and expecting reciprocal pleasure. If I hadn't met him, I would have had book learning and fumbling with guys who knew as little as I did.

I've had a number of sexual partners (not enough to make any huge sweeping statements about mankind, so these are just my opinions from my experiences) and their amount of knowledge and care of me has varied. I've had sex where I've sucked up the pain, bit my lip and waited for it to be done, pushed my partner away and yelled in pain after he hadn't listened when I was hurt. I've had men tell me I couldn't be in pain because it wasn't possible that they were doing anything to hurt. 

Have I said anything about this? No. Why not? Because I respected the guy's feelings. I didn't want to embarrass them, I felt it was something I did wrong, I wasn't going to see them again so it didn't matter. Various reasons.

But it does matter. We should be able to educate our partners. We should expect to be able to have some pleasure. We should expect our needs to be taken seriously.

When I was unknowledgeable, it was embarrassing, but hell, I had a ready teacher and I got over my embarrassment. I had the best sex I've ever experienced. I learned what good sex was. I learned what an orgasm was, even multiple orgasms. He seemed to enjoy it as much as I did, and in actual fact, I think he taught pleasure so well, that sex lasted much longer than usual because the mental connection was a stronger aphrodisiac than the physical intimacy.

So why don't men want to learn? Why don't they want to improve? Why don't they want to discuss, compromise, change their actions, to have a much more fulfilling experience?

I wish I had the answers.

A bad sex book has been flitting about in my head for so long because there are so many women who have had bad sex, and speaking about it to an erotic author seems to be the norm :) But, bad sex has never been something you can write in romance. But maybe I need to write it as erotica. And the world seems to be opening up enough that such a book might be read.

Any thoughts on this? Or on the article?


  1. Actually - I reckon quite a lot of bad sex gets written in romance, but it tends to be there only to strengthen how 'good' the hero is. I'm thinking something like the book Wallbanger, which I'm pretty sure begins with the heroine in bed with the bad lay, waiting for it all to be over.

    1. Yes, I agree, a bad sex scene is often in romance to show how good the hero is.

      But I'm thinking of a book FULL of bad sex. Just to 'normalise' it for women who may only read (or see) 'good' sex, and think they're doing something wrong.

      I don't want to lay all the blame on men, sometimes the partnership just doesn't work, or connect, or communicate.

      Not sure what the story would be's still a teasing thought in my mind.

      Cate xoxo