Phallic Friday - "topping from the bottom"

I used this phrase in a post last week, and my most prolific commenter asked me to do a post to explain it.
So... this is for you, Lily. My explanation of what it means.

(Please be aware that my understanding of the BDSM world is rudimentary. This is my understanding and you may well have another description of the term. If so, please feel free to comment).

This term "topping from the bottom" is used about the BDSM world. Part of BDSM involves Submission from Submissives (people who give control of their pleasure to another person) and Domination by Dominants/Doms/Dommes (people who get pleasure from controlling another's pleasure).

In the 'normal' role of a submissive, he/she allows the Dominant to dictate the play/sexual acts/the pleasure giving. Truly submissive people play no role in directing what happens. They have a safe word which can be used when they cannot cope with going any further, but otherwise, their pleasure involves the giving over of themselves to another.

If a submissive is new, struggling to fit into the role, unbelieving/untrusting of the Dominant, having a bad day, not into the role, (any number of reasons) they may struggle with allowing someone to direct their pleasure. They may speak, give commands, back chat, surreptitiously direct the scene, move their body to change how something works, or make some kind of act that takes control from the Dominant. If the submissive is directing how the pleasuring occurs, then they're said to be "topping from the bottom" - in other words, pretending to submit when they are actually dictating the play from a supposedly submissive position.

In the book I was reading where I saw this happening, the male was the submissive. He was an alpha male, a protector, a strong strong man ... who liked to submit and allow Dommes (female dominants) to work with him. Except he always managed to have them allowing him to give them pleasure. He loved cunnilingus. He also loved to fill a woman, and so manipulated the women in subtle ways, to allow this to happen. For example, he showed greatest pleasure when women got wet, dripped, showed themselves to him. Subtly, he was letting them know what he wanted... and they gave it to him. This isn't something that's 'wrong'... it brings pleasure to both people... but in the true sense of being submissive, it's cheating. But if you're both happy, who cares?

But this is where the book got into my head. The Dominant worked this sub out. She knew what he was doing. She was fairly new, but extensively trained as a Domme. She wasn't just mucking around, she wanted the lifestyle - and he said he did too. So she made him submit to her. She refused him contact with her. He didn't get to eat her out, or fill her. She made him take an anal vibe set on a timer, and left him to orgasm three times in an hour, alone, with viewers. Not something he thought he'd like...but the submission turns him on anyway.

Her action was clever. It takes away his usual pleasure. It makes him bend to her will. It stops him dictating what he wants and what she does. It makes him submit. To her. And she's earned his respect - he's received pleasure, she's held off on her own, except the pleasure from making him submit.

But the book was even more clever. He wasn't broken easily. He tested her every time they were together. He knew it. She knew it. So it's a complete mind-fuck as well as the physical.

And that to me is a really powerful BDSM story.

I hope that's given a bit more of an understanding of the term. And I hope my interpretation hasn't offended anyone.

Sunday Story - Natural Law

I've struggled to find me some good BDSM stories that hit me as real. There are a lot of good stories around but I don't often get grabbed by them. I can't exactly tell you why, but I have an "as if" thing happen. Something doesn't ring true in the characterisation, or the D/s relationship just doesn't hold me.

This book is not new. It's from 2004. But I missed it. Totally missed this author. Which is really remiss of me, I know.

Fortunately, a writing buddy tweeted about it being a freebie on Amazon and said it was one of her favs. So I downloaded it. It was free, if I hated it, I could can it without feeling compelled to get to the end.

But OMG. No canning happened. 4 am came and I was still deep into the story. (Can't tell you how non-comprehending Mr E is about these sorts of reading habits - I mean the 4 am ones, he didn;t know what I was reading!)

The hero is a cop, a successful undercover cop of many years, now a detective. He's strong, tough, protective, alpha ... but omg, he's a sub. And he fights it. He fights his submissive nature by topping from the bottom, until he meets the woman who calls him on it. And then the struggle begins.

I totally went with this. The hero struggles to be submissive. The heroine struggles to always be dominant. But their natures are so strong, they can't be happy shirking who they are.

It's a fantastic story - a whodunit - mixed in with the D/s investigation/explanation. It's so well done, I was caught up in the world. I loved it.

Might have to go on a Joey W Hill rampage :)

Phallic Friday - Doms

I just finished a book that had been highly recommended by many people as a book with fantastic BDSM scenes. And you know, I was disappointed.

It had lots of BDSM scenes in it... but they were all 'soft'.

By 'soft', I mean sweet, gentle, kind.

The Dom was so caring, so sweet, so kind... I didn't believe him. I didn't believe her reactions to him, or to the scening.

I guess the author was showing that trust had to be earned through love, even for the smallest things. But it didn't work for me.

And I know I'm weird. I know that most people love this sweetness in a man because my heroes are often 'unsympathetic', 'unlikeable' and I am asked to soften them or tone them down (especially their speech).

But you know, as I read this last night and felt my disappointment and disbelief grow, I wondered if there are other people out there like me, who want a man to be ... harder, tougher, more severe?

Now, in real life, I want something different... but in my BDSM fantasies, I want a bad bad boy who doesn't sit and hug me, stroking my hair and pressing kisses to my head. I want a man who fucks me senseless, then lets me get over it. One who pushes the pain barrier and makes me deal with that. One who doesn't apologise when he's short, or snappy, or rough. One who makes me a stronger person.

I don't want abuse. I don't want a prick. I don't want someone who's rude or ignorant or abrupt or horrid.

I just want a man who is a man and doesn't soften to pander to my emotion.

Do you like the hand holding, hugging Dom? Or are you voting for the tougher man? (And feel free to call me weird... I can handle it!)

Phallic Friday - BDSM

BDSM is my topic for the day. I know I've talked about this before but it's on my mind again.

Rachel Kramer Bussel was putting together a Short Short BDSM Submission Erotica Anthology (closed April 1) and I wanted to submit. I was in an earlier publication of hers and I liked the experience. She was easy to work with, kept you informed, and I liked the huge mix of stories she selected for her anthology. So I wrote a piece. Now I wait to hear.

So many BDSM books and stories are written from the submissive's point of view - and that's the view I've taken. But what if I wrote it from the Dominant's point of view? I wonder if that would have given me a better chance at selection (being that there were less of those, not that my writing would improve!).

Being a Dominant is a whole other mindset to being a sub. From the voice of the sub, you can explore their fear of failing, their loss of control, their struggle to bend to the will of another. As a Dominant, it's a whole different mindset to explore. It's questioning how far to push, how much can someone take, reading another person, working out what turns them on, all without showing your fear/concern to the sub. Thinking about it, that sounds a lot more interesting and challenging to write.

If I'm not living a BDSM lifestyle, can I legitimately write about it? I've dabbled in it, so I know a little but from the sub POV. What scares me is that I've read some stories that really jar me because of the "incorrectness" of their interpretation of BDSM. What if I balls it up terribly?

I guess I'll never know until I give it a try. Which is why I started with a short short piece. It may let me know if I can legitimately write in this world. But damn, why didn't I write as the Dom?

Do you have views on writers writing beyond their knowledge/experience? Or any views on BDSM?

Phallic Friday - Cyber Sex

My short story, A Real Online Fantasy, is about a couple who’ve indulged in online sex and decide to take it further. Let’s explore the idea of cyber sex.

Just in case you're unsure of what it is, online sex, or cyber sex, is defined on Wikipedia as: Cybersex, also called computer sex, Internet sex, netsex, mudsex, TinySex and, colloquially, cybering or conversex is a virtual sex encounter in which two or more persons connected remotely via computer network send each other sexually explicit messages describing a sexual experience. In one form, this fantasy sex is accomplished by the participants describing their actions and responding to their chat partners in a mostly written form designed to stimulate their own sexual feelings and fantasies.

It's my belief that the mental connection between people plays a huge role in sexual relationships. My brain is my greatest sex organ. And this is what fascinates me about cyber sex. You’re activating your brain, and the brain of another like-minded soul, to indulge in a mutually beneficial arrangement. You can orgasm without touching yourself or allowing anyone else to touch you. Clean, disease-free, safe and totally stimulating!!

But it has to be a like minded soul. Cyber sex can be a cyber joke with the wrong person.

Many years ago I had an internet addiction and could be found in most waking hours on talkers (an early version of chat rooms). They were filled with avid computer users, mostly academics or uni students. There were few under-age people (computers were expensive, weren’t common in homes, and certainly not part of a phone!) There were talkers devised solely for the purposes of cyber sex. Some of the talkers were themed, and I spent a lot of time at the BDSM-theme talkers, in a world that fascinated me.

Not only could you have cyber sex, but you could be cyber collared by a Dom or a Domme. You could indulge in acts that completely blew your mind - and then walk away without a mark or bruise.

We’re talking about nothing physical, nothing visual. This was before web cameras, Skype, even digital cameras. This was all about the brain. All about stimulating your mind, your imagination. It fascinated me. I couldn’t learn enough. And it was completely addictive.

I’d chat to people (as if you were meeting them at a party or in a bar) with normal conversations - what do you do, where do you live, etc. As we became friends, the conversations became more intense. I was forever trying to understand what made people enjoy the fantasies they did. People and their desires fascinate me. Sometimes a person’s job reflected their fantasy - so what came first, the job or the desire? And interestingly enough, few people I met indulged their fantasies in real life - it was kept to the computer, their mind.

One of the most fascinating men I met was an anaesthetist with a rope/bondage fetish. In his day job, he knocked people out and had them at his mercy during surgery… at night, he’d cyber bind you and pleasure you until you came, which gave him his release.

Have you indulged in the world of cyber sex? 

Does your job reflect your fantasies?