Friday, March 7, 2014

Phallic Friday - idiots, wankers and more

Dickheads are everywhere.

Before I start on this post, let me tell you that I'm no femme fatale. I do not fall into the attractive category at all. But sometimes, dickheads, idiots and wankers don't seem to notice. And I am a magnet for all nutcases!

As I've aged, I don't seem to have as many run-ins with men as I used to, which is quite a relief! But I was reminded the other day that I've had some classic encounters.

This story is a classic wanker story. I was at a friend's party - a BBQ in her backyard. I lived out of town and so I was also staying at her house before and after the party. I'm a bit of a sports nut and a rugby union test game was on late on the party night, which was fine because as the party wound down, I could put the TV on and watch the game (I think it was in England). I figured there'd be other people keen to watch too.

What I didn't figure on was being hit on by one of the watchers. And no one else watched the game but me.

He came into the room (it was my friend's boyfriend's brother) and was fairly drunk, with slurred words and swaying body. He plonked on the couch behind me, I was in a beanbag on the floor. Winter, so I had a blanket over me. I wasn't plastered. He started making verbal passes at me, which I ignored. Heck, I was watching the game!

Then there were sounds from behind me. Sounds that weren't something I associated with watching football. The slick sound of skin on skin, rubbing, stroking. I was watching the footy, thinking, "You are so perverted. He's not doing that. No way is he wanking as he talks dirty to you and you ignore him. No way."

But it followed the louder, faster pattern. I couldn't believe it.

At an ad or half time (can't quite remember now) I snuck a peek by turning my head just a little. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of a full on look. Oh, hell. Yep, he was wanking.

What to do? If I got up, would that encourage him more? By now most people are gone or passed out so no one is going to help me much. Or do I keep ignoring him and hope to heck he passes out, or something? I'd no idea what to do. Your Mum never teaches you what to do in these situations - well, mine didn't!!

Anyway, footy came back on and I decided it was more important than him, so I ignored him.

He didn't like that. He came around and stood between me and the TV and continued to wank. Bloody hell, he was ruining my footy! Yet, he seemed to think I should be impressed by his body/job/dick/whatever. I wasn't. It was a serious good game of union and I wanted to watch the game, not him.

He wouldn't give in. I pulled the blanket over my head, peeking through a rip in the fabric to watch just the edge of the TV screen, and ignored the wanker wanking. By about three-quarters of the way through, he gave up, or passed out or something. Thank God!

I got to watch the end of a very exciting game of union, with no cheering for fear of waking up someone for round 2!!

I've no idea why this guy thought he was irresistible. I've no idea why he thought me watching union was a sign I wanted his body, or to watch his body.

I just thank god, I got out of there without having to resort to violence, or worse.

And yeah, my friend and her boyfriend didn't stay together long after that. So I never had to see the wanker and his wiener again! :)


  1. Well! Just, Well!!! and Bloody Hell.
    Now you know that I watch sport all the time too... and nothing remotely like this has ever happened to me, ever. And so, I've decided, it's that bloody eastern states rugby union game.
    AFL is just so much more classy!
    Seriously, that must be a bloke thing. They do seem to have a love of getting their gear off at the least (or in this case zero) provocation, but the wanking. Bloody hell.
    Maybe you needed to tell him to poke it in the party dip or something. Sheesh!

    I bet that never happens watching cricket, either.


    1. I'm like a magnet for fruit cakes, these weird things just happen to me. I used to think they happened to everyone...didn't realise I had a 'gift' LOL

      At the cricket I've only ever been heckled and had half an orange hurled at my head. So much more civilised!!

      Cate xo