Fearless Friday - Passion

I may be an erotic writer, but in today's blog 'passion' is not about the erotic.

Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. Most often it is used in a romantic/sexual sense, but today, I'm using it for a more general life purpose term.

Have you had those questions thrown at you? The ones something like:

• What are you passionate about?
• What's your passion in life?
• What makes you get up in the mornings?

I've had those thrown at me over the last year or more...and they've kind of had me stumped.

I like lots and lots of things. I love some things too. But passion left me kind of lost.

Then yesterday, I read an interview that had my body tingling, my mind firing on a thousand different ideas, my heart racing, and everything in me jumping up and down. It was an interview by Mark McGuiness of Vicki Saunders, which you can find here.

I did a Creativity/Productivity course online with Mark McGuiness, and his emails keep coming to my inbox. If I'm busy, I don't get a chance to read them, but yesterday I read this one (and I'm not sure why - fate poked me, I guess).

Vicki Saunders spoke to and for me. I felt every word she said. I vibrated with energy as I read what she said, had experienced, and I was incredibly inspired by what she had created SheEO.

My passion awakened as I read. My mind engaged. My body was excited. These were signs of passion. I knew it right away.

And then a strange thing happened. A tiny bit of practical advice from a friend shut me down. It was as if a light turned off and everything went dark. I gave it no thought. I went to work.

This morning, as I wrote about yesterday, I had almost finished when I remembered the interview. I wrote how I'd felt reading it. I got those bubbles again. Then I wrote about the advice. And I realised how disproportionate my reaction was to a practical response. My friend didn't laugh at me. There was no scoffing. No abuse, or discouragement. In fact, my friend acknowledged the idea I presented, and encouraged me to keep thinking.

Yet, I didn't.

Why?

I'm scared of passion.

I've always been a firey, passionate person. I'd have an idea and I'd run with it. I'd push shit uphill if I thought it had a worthwhile purpose. I'm not afraid of hardwork, so long as it has purpose and I'm passionate about it.

So often through life people laughed or scoffed at my ideas. Usually it didn't bother me. Often I didn't listen and went ahead anyway. Sometimes I listened and stopped. Other times I gave my ideas away to see them used by others later. And these were fine.

But... I can pinpoint the event where my passion died. Where the fire inside me was extinguished. Where everything I was passionate about, everything I'd worked for, everything that made me who I was, was snuffed.

It's a time in my life that almost killed me. I think if I wasn't such a tenacious, pig-headed, stubborn person, I wouldn't have made it through.

Since then I've steered well clear of passion. I've made myself into a cautious, controlled, contained, shut off person. Nothing I do is all-consuming because there is no way in god's earth I will go through the completely gut-wrenching, demoralising, soul destroying, horror of having my passion torn away from me.

And that's not right.

That's not who I am.

That's not who I am meant to be.

But it's terrifying to be reduced to nothing. It's terrifying to have everything torn away. It's terrifying to completely lose control of your life. I hate being terrified.

I want to be passionate. I want my fire. I want to feel that energy bursting through me.

So, today I have a dilemma. How fearless can I be?

I don't know the answer to that.

Wildlife Wednesday - Black Soldier Fly

This Black Soldier Fly was perched on an agapanthus leaf, next to the tap above a bird bath. I'm not sure I would have even seen it if it'd been anywhere else. I asked it to pose for the camera, and it very politely did! I was so sure it would fly aware when I put my camera in it's face.

Of course I had no clue what it was. Some kind of cross between a fly and a bug. But trusty Google came through for me. I called it a "Black Bug". Brisbane insects has some info here.

I've taken a bunch of mystery shots lately, so Google will be getting a good run!

But back to the Black Soldier Fly. In my searching, I came across an article saying there was fly farming happening (you can find it here on the ABC news website), and Black Soldier Flies are the choice for the farms. 

Why farm flies? 

Because they are a good protein source to feed fish and other animals that will then feed people.

When you google 'black soldier fly' there are an awful lot of hits for selling of them - in pet shops, as larvae or live flies.

There seems to be quite an industry using these to transform organic waste to animal feed. One such article is here, but there seems to be heaps. It seems I've stumbled across a whole industry I didn't know about - not just a fly!

Here's a bit of information from that article:

While the fly only lives for about a week, during that time the efficient breeders lay between 100 and 500 eggs. 

As soon as the eggs hatch, they begin breaking down organic matter into a protein-based substance used to feed animals.

With a current nutritional content of 60 to 65 per cent protein, with the remainder a mixture of carbohydrate and fat, Mr Pike said it made an ideal substitute for soybean meal currently used in many animal feeds.

Did you know about these critters?

Fearless Friday - change

Change. Fear of change.

Changing anything can cause panic or worry or anxiety in many, because change is going into the unknown, and that often brings fears.

I've never had terrible fear of change, but I've always been over cautious about it! I plan changes and have contingency plans too!

But right now, I'm going through some weird, unplanned change. I'm becoming a morning person!

It's a complete and utter shock - to me and everyone else I know. It hasn't been a conscious change, just something that's happened this year. And yes, I know it's only been a few weeks, but it's a HUGE change for me.

This change has had no fear attached to it - because I had no intention of changing. And to make a change without fear is incredibly refreshing.

I can count on maybe both hands the number of sunrise photos I have. This is quite different to my sunset photos which are too numerous to count (I'm talking 1000s). But I took this photo on Monday...at 6.05 am. I know, insane! And I woke before my alarm, which was set for 5.45 am. I never wake before I have to - or at least I didn't!

I don't know if it's some amazing Chinese herb in my tea, or just that I'm feeling better, or if the yoga meditation I've been going to on Monday mornings has rejigged my system. Whatever it is, I feel like a new person.

I used to do mornings - when camping, for working especially in summer, for special events - without too much hassle. I have never truly enjoyed them, but I did them fairly uncomplainingly.

Then I got Ross River Fever and I could sleep all day, every day. Mornings became something I never saw (but I rarely saw anything at all for a while there). Mornings were a pain in the arse because people made noise, so much noise, and disturbed me when I was trying so hard to sleep and recharge and find some energy. I juggled my life so I could sleep when I needed to, but I was never rested. I never felt rejuvenated or truly alive. Each day was an effort.

Over the last year or so, I've been seeing an acupuncturist/Chinese herbalist, and my health's been improving. I've also been doing a lot of other alternative practices, like energy healing, meditation, mindfulness, grounding, self awareness, past life exploration. I've pretty much tried anything that crossed my path a few times - and this isn't new, I've always been a dabbler in these 'odd' things. It's just that this time, they've had a huge impact.

I hope that these early mornings are a sign of improvement. I hope they signify that my health is getting better. I hope I can keep enjoying every day, and living with more joy.

And I hope I can write more!!!!!

Fearless Friday - turning ideas to action

I'll remain clothed for today's fearless post :)

I have ideas. They sprout in my head all the time. Often when I'm talking with friends, ideas just seem to snowball until we're laughing about our craziness. Do you ever have that happen?

I watched my niece recently and she's full of ideas. The interesting thing with her is that she doesn't hesitate. "Let's do this..." she says and then does it. Sometimes her ideas come on the fly and she follows them. She's 7 and I suspect this won't last much longer. I remember my nephew being similar and at 11, he's much more circumspect now.

In some cases, it's a good idea to second guess your ideas. Crossing the street without looking is something kids do, until they learn to look, because there can be consequences. Sometimes serious consequences.

I suspect I've become a lot more stagnant than I should be. I can twist myself up in a bazillion knots as I examine ideas from every side I can, determining if they're "good". And my definition of "good" has become a lot more focussed that it used to be. In the past good often meant fun, but now it means all sorts of things (like safe, financially sound, a decent return of time/investment, not open to argument from others) and fun is way down the list.

Occasionally I'm still impetuous. Often this results in deleterious events - or so I'm reminded each time I think of being spontaneous! Like last week I was on the beach playing with my niece and nephew and I bolted out of the water as they chased me, and PING!, this muscle in my hip decided it didn't like such activity. So I've been hobbling for a week - and those around me are constantly pointing out that I need to "act my age", not be so silly, and to be "realistic" about the games I play with kids. But heck, what fun is missed if I didn't just spontaneously run or play or act?!?

Same with stories. I have ideas and then I'm frozen as I examine all the implications.

A few years ago, I wanted to write about breath control during sex. But when I mentioned it, I was reminded of the danger in that, and about Michael Hutchence's death, so I have never done it.

My Past Lives story got panned in a workshop because there were too many 'as if' to believe. I went away and did years of searching and researching and most of my 'as ifs' were truths for past lives and soul mates. Without knowing anything about those 'beliefs' I could write things others believe in. Yet, rather than publish that story, I've let it sit and mould on my computer because I let my fear of failure or fear of ridicule stop me acting.

I have an idea for kids' oracle cards, and for a year I've been sitting on it, because I fear I don;t know enough to do that. I fear I don't have knowledge, or understanding, or skills, or a platform, or every other thing under the sun!

I need to get over these fears.

I need to act.

Maybe not every time, because I still need to watch out for cars on the street! But I do need to do things, more than sit on my thoughts and stagnate.

Am I alone in this weirdness? Do you do this?