and then I realised...
It's damaging my health.
When I get myself caught up in the 'fight' pattern, my adrenal glands fire and my body goes into fighting/warrior mode. I'm hyper-alert, unable to sleep, wired so tightly that I can't relax. My mind goes a thousand different directions as I trace ideas, thoughts, pull together threads and weave argument after argument.
I know how this ends for me - chronic fatigue syndrome. A huge crash where I can be bed-ridden for months, or voiceless for over a year, or unable to function in daily life. It's not pretty. Been there for far too many years. And I've only just gotten myself out of that seemingly unending push-crash cycle and am starting to feel alive again, so I'm not going back there. No way.
But then, how can I reframe my mind, and my triggers, to something useful that won't crash me?
The only answer I have is that I need to focus on healing vibes, healing energy. Calm. Peace. Finding joy. Happiness. Justice. Right. That's what's helped me through CFS.
This time, it's not for just me. But for everyone.
Make Peace, Not War.
That's what I need to do.
So, please, fight the fight if you feel the need. I'll be here, cheering for you from the sidelines.
I'll be here with a sense of calm and peace (or trying to). I'll be here with love. I'll be here channelling healing energy into the world (not quite sure how, but that feels like what I'm about. Surely what I did for myself can extend).
When the next idiot gets up and speaks of women as second class citizens, I'll not rant and rave at the TV, person next to me (sorry Mr E), or thin air. I'll be thinking about love for all the women the idiot has to deal with. I'll be thinking about peace surrounding them as they hear the idiot's words. I'll be sending healing energy to all women who need to heal, and love energy to all those who support these women. I'll be imagining a world where all humans are seen as equal, all can respect one another.
I know it sounds insane. I know it's all "Pollyanna-ish" or too woo-woo. But if I can't fight, it's all I can do.
If someone needs healing energy, please let me know.
I'm fighting this battle on a different front.
Take care, Warrior Women, take care.