Words and Healing

 Recently, I went to the Romance Writers of Australia (RWA) Conference. It's been a long time between conferences (I think the last one I attended was 2016... but maybe there was one after that because it seems way too long ago!). 

I had a LOT of work drop on me right before I left, so I wasn't fully committed to the conference. I had to skip a lot of sessions, but those I did ranged from ho-hum to freaking fantastic!

Those fantastic sessions empowered and reinvigorated me. They made me feel like I could write and that my stories were worthwhile. I'd forgotten that feeling.

One session was by best-selling author Elana Johnson who was visiting from the US. She did a plenary session on Sunday morning called, I Don't Just Write Kissing Books. Sunday mornings are tough because the Gala Dinner was the night before, and sometimes it's been a few big nights for people who are usually introverts. So to make a Sunday session a highlight of the conference is a feat.

She spoke about romance books being healing - for the characters who need their Happy Ever After which requires change and healing of internal and external conflicts (the key to romance stories). But also for the readers, who see this healing happening in the characters, which gives them hope that whatever needs healing in their lives can be healed and happiness is possible. What blew my mind was that it's healing for the writers who craft this healing in their stories.

OMG!

My mind exploded because I suddenly saw what I was trying to do with my writing. So many of my stories are about healing some aspect of myself or the society (as I see it).

I thought I was writing to understand. That's always been what I imagined fuelled my writing. But I sat there and saw that I write to heal. I write with the hope of healing.

I haven't written since the 2019/20 disasters - bushfires and floods around me, and a pandemic in the world. I've struggled with finding meaning, value, healing, hope. All the things I need to write stories. So... if I couldn't find these things, there was no way I was going to be able to write those stories.

Which led me to think that over the last few years, I've been healing. 

Healing disasters within me. Wounds that had sat unacknowledged for years. Things I had never consciously thought of, thought through, or looked at. But when the world came crashing around me, I had to go back and look at those unhealed wounds.

I remember in the 1980s, and the Iraq War (I think it was) where I thought the end of the world was nigh. That wound got papered over. I put salve on it, a bandaid, and it kind of healed enough I could mostly forget about it. But those wounds I mostly forget about never heal properly or truly are forgotten. So it came up again and again and again. 

Life seems to be a spiral of learning and healing (or mine anyway). Each time it comes around differently, I'm healing a slightly different aspect of the same issue. I've healed a few of these aspects in the last 5 years.

Facing them, working through them, and healing them has led me to have hope again. I can see a future. I can see things that I feel can change. 

Imagine my surprise when I left conference with these thoughts in my head and went off on a writing retreat - and WROTE!

I'd intended to write a Nature Journal because stories were not happening. But I sat down to do that and a person appeared and began to speak to me - person being a character. She had a story she wanted to tell.

My writing process is a weird one, but more and more people are speaking of similar weird processes now, so I didn't try to change it. I let my process flow. 

It's a discovery process. I don't know anything about anyone or the story until the words are outside of me. When someone asked what I was writing, I was honest and said I didn't know. I had a female character who was grieving. 

After a couple of days, she was healing. Then a man appeared. I thought I was writing to explore affairs because he was kind of shady and secretive. I talked about writing Erotic Taboo stories.

As the week went on, and the words flowed, I realised that I liked these characters. Maybe it wasn't an affair. Maybe they like each other too.

I have 26 000 words written. I'm interested to see where they go to, who these people are, what they're going to show me about myself, society, and healing. Or are they going to show me something altogether different?

So, I'm back home... drowning in work... but once I get that done, I'm keen to get back to my story, my characters. I'm keen to see what I've learned in my time away from writing. I'm keen to see if I can identify any healing.

I shared a scene with a friend who said there was light in it. Which filled me with joy, because I feel lighter now than in the past, more hopeful maybe it is.

So, let's see where this takes me.

But huge thanks to Elana Johnson for her words on healing. They made me cry. They made me laugh. They made me love. And that made me open my eyes and see more.

Writing people are the best!

Saturday Soapbox - Diversity

Representation of a diverse population/experience is not something that's done terribly well within our society. History is painted by the 'winner'. Recordings are made by the wealthy/powerful/influential, and are often distorted from reality. There's been uneven representation of gender, culture, reality, etc etc.

It's something that is being called out and identified in this current climate, and that makes people uncomfortable, especially if you're sitting in a position where you view the representation to be fairly good.

I'm in one of those positions - except for my femaleness, I'm in the 'majority' for many things that are represented.

To understand the need for diversity, I have to put myself into uncomfortable positions or take my mind into those areas that I've tried to forget. I want to try to explain this with some instances and examples.

I travelled overseas - ages ago, when you could still do that! I was young and had next to no money, so I went the cheapest way I could but guided by my travel agent's recommendations. I had friends in Jamaica I was visiting, and I was booked on a flight from Miami to Jamaica on, I think it was Jamaican Air or something like that (it was a long long time ago!). I was pretty naive. So, the first thing that struck me on my trip is that I forgot that Aussies call things by different names (e.g. lemonade was a blank for the air hostess, but 7-Up she recognised and I got my drink). McDonald's isn't truly the same all over the world - the sizing in the USA was unrecognisable compared with Australia. The toilets worked differently. Then I got to Miami and the street signs were in a language other than English. Next day, I got on the plane for Kingston, Jamaica, and as I was taking my seat, I realised my whiteness. I was different to almost everyone on the plane. This was good to notice and become accustomed to, because for the next 2 weeks I would rarely mix with white people, and I would learn what it felt like to be 'different'. At times I barely noticed it. At other times it was scary because I was treated differently because of my skin (e.g. I was targetted for robbery, foiled thankfully. I was followed. People tried to extort me. I paid extra for things that my local friends were not charged. I was ignored, looked down upon, refused entry to places). Don't get me wrong, I had the absolute best time (because I was an Aussie and as soon as I spoke, my Aussieness overrode my whiteness - because of cricket and beer!) but it was the first time I ever realised that people judge according to skin colour.

Years later, I lived in a rural town with a large Indigenous population. Indigenous people had jobs in various places around town, they belonged to sporting teams, they mixed in town, and I didn't see anything that indicated any segregation. I held this view for 7 years. I changed jobs and worked for an Indigenous organisation. I thought I'd changed towns. Nothing I knew held true any longer. I was stunned by the racism, segregation, judgement, language, ostracising. Nothing had prepared me to have my views shifted so drastically. It was horrifying. I was horrified at myself and my naivety for (still) not seeing how much colour affected the world I lived in.

Let's change from colour and move to writing. When I wrote for myself, I wrote to explore all manner of topics, subjects, thoughts. Then I joined a writing organisation and moved towards publication - and what I wrote and wanted to write, was not going to get my published (which was my goal). That was rather shocking. So I changed. I got published in ebooks. Then what I wrote was suitable for ebooks, but not for print. I had to change for print. And somewhere along the way, I began to question why I needed to change what I wanted to write, how I wanted to write. I was being 'shoe-horned' into what a gate-keeper deemed acceptable. 

I never ceases to amaze me how many times I need to learn these lessons about diversity. I swim along until I get hit by something that affects me. And those hits hurt. They shake my soul, make me question myself and what I believe in, and have me asking, "am I good enough?" and "do I fit here?" Those aren't inclusive questions to have to be asking. Those are questions that immediate alienate someone.

And yet, aside from being female, I am a part of the 'majority'. If these things hurt me, how much worse must it be for someone who has less of the 'major attributes' that society deems 'normal'?

Diversity needs to be normalised. We need to accept people as they are. Not single them out because of a difference.

But how can we do this, when we don't even realise, much less acknowledge, that we have inherent judgements for difference?

Do you have views on diversity, inclusion, acceptance, or non-acceptance?

Phallic Friday - footy player perves

Footy season has started again. And week 2 saw my team play at our closest ground, where we have tickets! So I got to cheer my team, while sitting in the area for the other team. Luckily I'm quiet and no one hassled me - but there were a few odd looks. (And yes, it was hell on my ears, and I'm paying this week...but I think it was worth it).

So, while I was there, I was thinking about stories. My MMF has a team in the background so I have a few other books planned in my head for different team mates, and so I was looking for some inspiration.

Because we're footy addicts, we sit through all 3 games (under 20s, the 'reserve grade' and the main NRL game). During the early games, some of the NRL guys sit around our seats, which is great for my Muse. I watch and file away all sorts of crazy things.

So, the other day it was this back shape that caught my eye. He looks good in his footy gear, but this is his club suit. It's that back shape we all try to describe - big shoulders tapering to narrow hips. Swimmers' build. But I took this picture because there's more that I've missed describing. There's the strain across the shoulder portion of the suit. The thick muscles along the spine. There's the way the suit moulds to his shape. And that waist is tight. Anyway...I won't go on or I'll drool!!!

Some guys have tattoos. This bloke's caught my eye and I wish I could have gotten a good photo from the front, because see that kind of striping effect on the back of his thighs, on the front they were angled more from the middle of his thighs going out and down. Maybe I have a perverted brain, but it looked to me like the sun was shining out of his groin. Do you think that was the intention? I just wasn't sure. And the tattoo went right down over his kneecaps...which must have hurt because there's so little flesh there. So I was wincing and frowning and trying to understand. But a great body trait for a character, I thought. Not the usual tattoos.

For the second half of the reserve grade, and during the main game, many of the U20s were in front of us. Most of them are so tiny. They're so young, their muscles haven't fully developed. Some of them have hands that I'm sure are smaller than mine. Some bite their nails. They all tap incessantly on their phone. A few have tattoos. They're goofy kids, mucking around at the footy together.  All guys, no girls with them.

But they're also giving, some are humble. A bunch of kids came up to them (kids 7 or 8 yrs old I guess) who wanted to chat, wanted autographs. One of the players had visited their school and so the kids had some 'ownership' of him, and he was great with them. He involved all his teammates in the signing, even if they were somewhat reluctant. They spun crazy stories that were clearly lies, but the kids ate them up, and the guys had their 'in' joke to amuse themselves. It wasn't harmful, just claiming familial relationships with 'stars'. The kids loved it all and went away on cloud 9.

I like sitting and watching. I like wondering about the groupings of players, and how that affects their on-field play. I like trying to find new, yet accurate, word pictures to describe people and bodies and interactions. I like getting ideas for stories, characters, teams. It's all amazing fodder.

Mr E thinks I'm a perve...but I call it research :)

Married At First Sight Week 3 ep 1

Tonight's episode was with the 3 remaining couples. It's post dinner, meeting up with families and a week before the 'end of the experiment' so decisions need to be made soon.

Nicole and Keller
It appeared like they didn't speak after the dinner but I think this was just editing. It looked like they spoke the next morning. Keller thought he was defending Nicole. She said she didn't need protecting. So there's a difference in values, as well as reading of the atmosphere at dinner.

He apologises and says that he'll do anything to be with her, and that he'll change to suit her. I found this unrealistic and a really silly promise to make because it's almost impossible to keep. But she accepted it, said if it was broken she'd be heart broken (I'm feeling really cynical and jaded!!).

At Keller's family, his mother and Nicole seem a lot alike - laugh a lot, same attitude towards him (he's like a kid). His mum says that he's usually commitment-phobic, so she's seeing a huge difference in him (she says that she thinks Keller must really love Nicole, but this isn't said to Nicole).

Then Keller goes out with Navy mates. Gets rotten drunk, comes home still drunk with a new tattoo (which he's socked to discover). He keeps drinking and she's really shitty. She goes to stay with friends. Next day, he's remorseful but still wearing the same clothes! He's self-sabotaging and he knows it.

These two are both big-hearted people. Keller has some real issues which I hope he gets help for. If he gets help and works on these, I could see them lasting, but I don't know that he'll get help.

Michael and Bella
After the dinner party, Bella says, "I know that whatever I did, he'd have my back." I found this a strange comment - almost like she'd put him to a test. But again, it's editing of the show which takes this out of context, so who knows what else she said. This is where I find analysis of the show frustrating. I don;t think I'll do it again. I can't tell if I'm reading things into what's being said because of the way it's skewed for TV.

Michael is noticing her walls, and even when he tries to talk about this, she doesn't seem to drop them - even for him. He wants depth and intimacy; she's not giving it. I'm suspecting that he might walk away from this relationship (but again...editing!).

When meeting Michael's mother, Bella is still all handsy with Michael. But she's all bubbles and not a lot of substance, even with his mother.

Then Bella catches up with her mate. He asks if she's fallen in love, she says yes, and he asks who said it first - and is relieved when she hasn't. This is kind of odd - does she fall in love often/easily? Then she tells him that at the end of the experiment, she and Michael aren't going to move in together because they both have their own places to go to. He's stunned and says that's weird - but she doesn't find it odd at all. When she tells Michael, he has the same reaction as her friend - stunned.

I think this relationship has never got past the surface. I don't have much hope for this pair.

Mark and Monica
After the dinner, Monica sees that their relationship is quite different to the other ones, so they sit and chat about that. Then they chat about what they feel about their relationship and where they see it going in the future. He says he feels more for her each day, he likes her more, and wants to keep spending time with her. She's the same.

They go to spend time with Monica's mum, and it seems like they get along well - easy going and fun. Then we see Monica telling Mark about her childhood (being one of 8 kids, her dad dying young, her mum having to work, all the kids working too). He's asking questions (gently) and he's really listening (turned to her, head down, eye contact, moving closer). There's not a lot of touching while they talk, but these two aren't touchy feely. Then there's a big hug.

I think these two have the most in common and have gone about their relationship slowly and without being pushed by TV. I hope they make it beyond the show.

So, there's my latest predictions! See how I go tomorrow.

Wildlife Wednesday - small clawed otter

Here's another photo from Western Plains Zoo, of the small clawed otter who was looking right at me.

My sister has always been a huge fan of otters, so I always think of her when I see them. And I think of my Dad, because when I was in high school, I did an assignment for science on otters. We had to give a speech too and I was so nervous about that. So I decided I'd tape some background sounds to go with my talking, for a classy presentation!

So, I laid in the bathtub with the tape recorder going (this is in the olden days!) and I splashed and sloshed around in the bath. Then my Dad came in and made this "Aaarghkk, aarghkk, aarghkk" noise and left.

OMG I was wet. I couldn't stop the recording. I couldn't scream at him or the last ten minutes of sloshing was wasted. So I sucked it up and finished my otter sounds. When I asked him what on earth he was doing, he was a seal, getting ready to eat the otter. How we laughed. It was just too funny not to leave it in there. And so I went to school with a tape of water sloshing and a dad being a seal. I got a great mark for my ingenuity!!

So, on that note, I'll let you look up any sensible facts about otters if you'd like. The Taronga Zoo site has some here.

It is interesting that otters live in large family groups and that family is important to them :)

Sunday Story - Burial Rites

I had the absolute pleasure of reading Burial Rites by Hannah Kent. I'd read a lot of accolades for this book, and often (in my mind) the book doesn't live up to it BUT in this case, Burial Rites deserves all the accolades and more.

The book is haunting, beautiful, poignant and terrible all at once. The story is so absorbing that I lost myself in it. I lost the magic of the words, the thrill of the gorgeous writing - because the story became engrossing and the view of Iceland enthralling.

I've read that Hannah Kent went to Iceland as an exchange student where she heard of the tale of the last woman executed in Iceland, Agnes Magnúsdóttir, and was captivated by it. And so began her study. Hannah Kent's love for Iceland, and her empathy for Agnes, truly shines through in the story.

Agnes is incredibly dignified and so accepting of her fate that it's very difficult not to fall in love with the character Hannah Kent has created.

I always get confused by a historical fiction based on fact because it is so easy to believe everything in the book. And reading the amount of research done for this novel, I'd like to believe every word as truth.

This is a beautiful book. Don't miss reading it.