ARRA Award Thoughts

On this blog, I've tried to document my writing journey without too much censorship. Today's post is rather macabre, and also somewhat personal, so please be gentle with me.

I was stunned to see Team Player announced as ARRA's 2017 Favourite Erotic Romance. It was unexpected in the company I was keeping.

Team Player isn't a conventional story. It's written in first person, present tense, which so many readers hate. It's a MMF threesome without a submissive in the relationship. I was deliberately striving to create a threesome where each person had equal standing, if not at the beginning then by the ending, yet I know that's not conventional. It features sportsmen. It's quite explicit and raw in the descriptions of the sex, and I know some people had trouble reading it - the MM sex in particular. It hardly seemed the type of story that would win. However, I'm ecstatic that it did!

After the initial thrill at seeing my name, a sense of dread crept in, which has taken a few days to unravel.

In 2003, I won an award for best paper at a work conference. It was the pinnacle of my career. Such a huge accolade. I was completely blown away as I didn't know they presented best paper awards so had not even dreamed of it. It was before the time of mobile phones, and so by the time the event was over it was after 10 pm, too late to ring anyone and tell them.

I was working for a farmer group and our trial (which I had not been involved with during the planning, I came to it later) was quite unconventional. It excited me because of that. It was asking tough questions and was a huge undertaking. I loved the challenge of that. To win an award, to have people notice this work was a huge achievement. I thought we (our farmer-led research group) were destined for great things. (There are some similarities here, right?)

My Mum died that night, a few hours later. I woke in the morning to a phone call from Dad. My award was overshadowed by loss.

All of last Sunday, I kept expecting something terrible to happen. I'd won an award, surely a smashing defeat would come next, obliterating any excitement and joy. I waited... and waited.

It didn't come.

What came instead was this whopping realisation that I equated success with grief - a win with defeat

Damn it.

I knew I feared success more than failure...but I had no conscious understanding of why I feared success. Now I know.

Next comes the breaking down of those fears.

I'll have to dig out my 2003 trophy (that's buried in a filing cabinet) and place it with this beauty. I'll have to remain mindful of the pride and joy associated with each achievement, separate to sad events that surround each award.

ARRA Award

Thank you ARRA, Booktopia and readers. Tomorrow I might find words (some added now).

I wasn't able to attend the ARRA Awards Night because the other me had agreed to speak at the Sydney Writers Festival Live And Local event at Wollongong. My local ARRA member had organised this for me and so I asked her to apologise on my behalf when we realised the clash.

And then my book was a finalist. The lovely Diane tried to change my speaking time, but it meant changing the whole program. I decided to stay with my commitment and miss the Awards Dinner. Then Diane asked me for a speech - in case I won. I laughed but wrote words because she was being good enough to humor me - and represent me.

Today I had to go and find what I'd asked her to say because I had no memory of what I'd written. So while my thoughts are still so jumbled, here are those words.

Cath would like to thank: 

ARRA for fabulous events like the Awards and for their huge support of authors.

Booktopia for sponsoring this award.

Kate Cuthbert for her incredible self, her support and encouragement.

The Escape Publishing/Harlequin/HarperCollins team.

My writing friends and family who are only ever an email away and always get me out of trouble!

My family, especially my hubby, who manages to cope with not only my writing but this Cate, who none of them are very comfortable knowing!

Diane who’s representing me tonight after organising for me to give a talk today at a South Coast Writing Centre event. She’s great at prodding me when I’d rather stay in my cave!

Thank you to everyone who read and/or voted for Team Player, or JA Low’s Sapphire, or Vi Keeland’s Egomaniac, or Penelope Ward’s Mack Daddy. Authors love our readers. 

Thank you!

Saturday Search - Tarot

L to R: a traditional Tarot card, The Angel deck, Mary-El deck

About 2 years ago, a friend gave me a deck of Angel cards while I housesat for her. I used them while I had days alone communing with myself and nature. I didn't understand them, but there was a sort of peacefulness in dealing cards, reading the little book, and working out if they meant something. I became somewhat addicted to this peaceful practice.

In the past Tarot had been a voodoo 'thing' that I'd steered well clear of. It was associated with fortune telling and all 'bad' things.

These cards were different to anything I'd seen before (e.g. the 'traditional' Rider-Waite deck on the left in the photo above) or been told. They were channelling images of Angels and unicorns and faery folk (pictured centre in image) and there was no fortune telling at all. Instead they were delving into me, poking at my thoughts about me, the world, life.

So began a practice that I'm still addicted to!

Top row: Mary-El Tarot cards. Bottom: Tarot of the Crone

I then found a writer with a Tarot business (Weaver Tarot) and gave my friend a reading for her birthday. She raved and raved about the reading. As I thought I should have one, I was gifted one in a website promo. Aside from spending a lot of time talking about writing, Cat did a reading for me and used these Tarot cards that yelled at me from across the country (on the right in the top image). The symbolism in the cards were nothing like the Tarot cards I'd seen in the past, nothing like the Angel cards, and were something I could understand just by looking at them. On a gut-level, they spoke to me.

The Tarot of Femmes Erotiques - celebrating women

So I bought a deck of my own. The Mary-El Tarot deck.

And this weird thing has become even more addictive. I have another deck now that talks to me too (Tarot of the Crone), and not only that, it works with the first deck (middle picture).

Then I found a deck celebrating women, and I bought that too (last picture).

And I know I sound like a loopy person, and I know it's all weird and insane, but each morning I dig a little deeper in understanding myself as I flip a daily card from each deck and ponder how these cards relate to me, my life, my writing journey.

Have you ever used Tarot cards? Do you have a favourite deck, or symbol, or card?

Wildlife Wednesday - Tiger Moths

I think a long time back I did a post about these moths but I didn't have the name Tiger Moths so I'll use that this time! I'm doing it again mostly because my new camera takes great shots and I wanted to show off the photo I took! Gosh, plus it's 5 years since the last post - where did time go?

Tiger Moths in this case aren't the aeroplane but an orange and black moth. In my childhood, I called them Jaffa Moths, and that's still what I call them in my head.

Tiger Moths are only on the East Coast of Australia, so you probably won't have seen them, Lily Malone.

The eat nectar from wildflowers but also love lichen (an algae-fungi organism) and we've got heaps of lichen around our place. Mr E hates lichen and wants to bash it off everything, but I love it and keep telling him he can't! I don't think moth food will change the discussion any :)